God is Good

Intimacy with Christ - Jeanne Guyon - Chapter 12

2012-02-11T08:42:00.003-06:00

The first part of this book is general correspondence that Madame Guyon wrote to her followers. I wish we had other letters, the ones that made her respond as she did. However, it does open up a great opportunity to stretch my imagination and writing skills a bit. So for this particular chapter, I am going to attempt to write a letter to Madame Guyon that would elicit the response she gave in this chapter. My attempt at this is nothing more than an effort to gain a better understanding of what I should be seeking for in Christ. May the Lord bless this effort.

Madame Guyon,

Often times, I find myself longing for something more, something deeper than just casual contact with my friends or the people around me. I know that my ultimate satisfaction should come from knowing Christ on the deepest levels and while I enjoy that pursuit and the results of that pursuit, I often times feel like I am alone on that journey because others around don't understand what I am longing to do. Is it wrong of me to crave fellowship with others instead of just fellowship with God? I know Christ had his close friends and yet still, while journeying on this earth, was deeply connected to God at all times. Is that something that is possible for me? Should I be seeking out relationships with others or just focusing on me and God? - Ginger

Ginger,

"How close and how precious is the union of spirits made one in Christ! Jesus said so beautifully "Whosoever shall do the will of my Father, the same is my mother, sister and brother."

There is no union stronger or purer than spiritual fellowship in Christ. Delightfully, this how the saints in heaven experience each other in God. This does not interfere with your relationship to God, but allows you know others in and through Him.

Continually say 'yes' to all that God wants. When you are united to God there can be no 'no' only 'Yes, be it so.' And let that 'yes' continually echo through you. This 'yes' makes you flexible and agreeable to the will of your beloved Lord. When the angel appeared to Mary, she said 'Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to your word.' It was the same with Samuel who said, 'Speak for your servant hears.' It was so with the Lord 'Lo, I have come to do your will.'

I am yours in the fellowship of the Spirit." - Jeanne Guyon

Madame Guyon,

Thank you for your response to my question. I am grateful and full of joy to hear that my longing to be in fellowship with others is natural and good. I will take great delight in being in fellowship with others who are also in Christ.

I especially like the your thought about spiritual fellowship not interfering with my relationship with God. I want my relationships to help me "know others in and through Him." I think that if my relationships are not doing this, I don't want to be a part of them.

I am intrigued by the fact that you address as subject that I didn't mention directly. I don't even think I mentioned it indirectly but the Spirit saw it fit to use you to convict me of an area that needs great improvement in my life. I am never quite ready, never quite sure, never actually able to say "yes" readily. My first reaction, my gut instinct, my human nature, the voice of the serpent, always tells me that I can't do whatever it is I am being asked to do for the cause of Christ. Eventually, at times, I will come around to the "yes" answer, but it takes great prodding by the Spirit, often in the form of Him using others like my minister friend Brian or Kyle or Basil, or my best friends Sue or Jhansi or my husband Jason, for me to be convinced that I can and should do whatever it is I am being asked to do. I don't particularly like this about myself and have made some efforts to change it myself. However, I am understanding from your message here that the only way to have that transformed in me is to "continually say 'yes' to all that God wants." I will make the commitment now to do so.

Thank you for fellowship in the Spirit. - Ginger

Desire

2012-01-21T23:29:00.002-06:00

"My only desire is to completely give myself up into the hands of God without any idea of turning back or of fear of what may happen to me." - Jeanne Guyon

I have no desire in turning back. That is not even an temptation. Life without God, life outside of the life of Christ isn't even attractive to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. However, there are two phrases in that sentence that confront me and give me pause.

The second is "without...fear of what may happen to me." Fear is, unfortunately, a natural part of my life. One that I I don't really like and yet is still there. It makes me sad when I think about how many of my reactions are based in fear. Yesterday I heard someone say "you cannot fear what you love" and yet I find myself often fearing what God has planned for me, what He is going to let me go through. That statement makes me question my love for God. But deep in my spirit, I know that I love Him. Maybe what I need to focus on loving is His plan for me even if I don't know what that looks like.

The first statement that confronts me is "My only desire..." I cannot say that. I think I want to be able to say that He is my only desire. In moments when I am engrossed in worship and adoration of Him, I can say with all sincerity, with all my heart, my soul and my mind that Him being my only desire is what I want. But in my daily life, my fleshly desires are truly different than that. I desire to always be full and never experience hunger. I desire to be comfortable in my home. I desire to be liked by others. I desire to be respected by others. I desire to be well known in my community. I desire to be smart. I desire to have nice things. The desires that I have are too many to list here and some are too personal to expose to anyone, even my journal. I hold on to the promise that as I grow in Christ, as I am transformed more into His image, that my old nature will go away and His nature will rise in me. But I also know that Satan is good at what he does and there are things that will always compete with my desire to make God the only thing I desire.

Religion vs. Church vs. Jesus

2012-01-12T06:40:00.003-06:00

I listened to a video this morning and read a few comments about the video that lit a fire in my pit of stomach. My reaction to caused me sit down and begin writing a post about religion, church and Jesus, my view of it and why other people were wrong. I had great passion about to the point that I was willing to completely and totally disrupt my morning routine and be late to work. I realized that was not a good choice so I very begrudgingly got ready for work.

While I was away from my computer my daily verse from Air1 came through my email. It was 1 Thessalonians 4:11 "Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before."

And so I have deleted the post and will keep my mouth shut and go about my day figuring out how to become more like Christ, loving my neighbor and my God.

An Answer for "This" Feeling

2012-01-03T19:04:00.007-06:00

I received an answer to my above post. It came in the form of many answers, really therefore this is a long post.

First to keep "this" feeling, I need to be very purposeful and deliberate about my time with God. What does that look like you might ask? Here is something pretty cool that I have learned recently - it can look like lots of things. I used to think that it meant I had to clear my schedule completely at the same time every day, do the same thing every time and it would be best if it looked like "so & so" (insert name of mentor/minister/elder/highly respected individual/etc here). But what I have found is that sometimes clearing away that specific time every day is impossible and when I didn't do it, I felt horribly guilty and if I missed it too often I was usually too ashamed to go back into that same routine and approach God about it. As far as doing the same thing every time...well, to be perfectly honest with you, my ADD sort of kept getting in the way of that. I find it quite boring and therefore quite ineffective to always have the same thing on tap every time I actually did sit down to "be with God." And I also found that what works for "so & so" doesn't actually work for me. So, what does "time with God" look like? For me it includes a variety of things:

Planned Scripture reading (following a specific plan/path)
Unplanned Scripture reading (just picking up the Bible to read whatever I want to)
Planned spiritual reading
Unplanned spiritual reading
Fasting
Journaling (lots of different kinds)
Praying
Meditation
Listening to sermons/lessons
Engaging in spiritual conversations (both in person and via email/texts/chatting)

Another step to keeping "this" feeling is to submit to Christ with no reservations. I have lots of good excuses for not doing this none of which are actually good. Basically, I tend to base my relationship with God on my experiences with humans and this is completely and totally unfair to a Father who has never done anything to let me down.

A third step in keeping "this" feeling is to allow "the cross to deal with (my) most deeply held desires." (Jeanne Guyon, Intimacy with Christ). There is great power in the cross that I leave untapped when I don't fully submit to Christ and am unwilling to suffer with Him. When I resist the call to step into the hard stuff - be it conversations, experiences, leadership or servant opportunities - because I am afraid of failure, disappointing someone or whatever, then I am not allowing the cross to do the work that is possible and necessary.

Number four would be just resting in Christ. I don't always have to be working, striving, or searching to be good with God. Resting in Him is good and necessary (thus He gave us the Sabbath). Resting in God does not make me lazy or unproductive.

The fifth and final answer that I heard on about keeping "this" feeling is probably more the first step but my answer was not given to me in that order. In Matthew 7:24, 25, Jesus tells his followers "Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock. And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat on the house but it did not fall because it had been found on the rock." When I heard this, the relevance of it to me jumped out at me immediately - hear and practice the words of Christ. It sounds so simple but as I continued to listen I eventually came to the next logical question - what words? In this setting, Christ had just spoken what is now called "The Sermon on the Mount" (Matthew 5,6,7). Thankfully, these passages were summarized for me and here is what I heard that I need to practice (though this is not a comprehensive list of all that was given at the time):

Be compassionate
Practice self control
Desire right living
Show mercy
Exhibit purity
Willingly suffer
Get rid of anger
Take responsibility
Don't abuse sex
Work in marriage
Lay down your rights
Forgive completely
Pray inwardly
Give in secret
Value God's view of you
Don't worry
Stop judging
Be a seeker and learner

All these can really be summed by saying "Live the Jesus way." Doing this will provide me the foundation I need to weather the storms and still keep "this" feeling - peace, contentment, joy, happiness, and hope. This is wisdom at its core - to hear the words of Christ and do them. The flip side of that, which is where I have often lived is stupidity - to know the words of Christ and do the opposite.

And so, as we begin 2012 my goal, my resolution is keep "this" feeling. Regardless of my circumstances, I want to always know I am standing on a solid foundation and in all my circumstances - the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty - I want to be a woman of peace, contentment, joy, happiness, hope and wisdom. If you have read this far, first let me say "Thank you." I am honored that you have given me some of your day and want to hear my ramblings. Second, I give you permission to to hold me to this. If you see me in circumstances where I am trying to build my house on the sand - in other words acting in stupidity - and I do not reflect peace, contentment, joy, happiness, hope and wisdom, please approach me and find out what is going on that I have lost my focus. Be gentle with me friend but be truthful with me.

"This" Feeling

2011-12-29T08:40:00.002-06:00

You know that feeling that you have when things are good? You know what I am talking about, right? You are at peace, connecting with God, feel grounded in all that you are and all is good and right? That is where I am at right now and while I am beyond ecstatic with it, I want to know how to capture this feeling and hold it in my heart for later. I am not living in fear of “the other shoe dropping” as I have in the past. However, I know the reality is that at some point of time something will happen either internally or externally that will challenge this place and I will find myself in facing despair, hopelessness, anger, disappointment, bitterness, hurt, etc. And while I am ready and willing to step into those situations now, I want to do so with this peace, this connectedness, this groundedness – “this” feeling – rather than with fear or anxiety.

What thoughts do you have on this?

The Rest of God Poem Challenge

2011-11-20T20:32:00.002-06:00

They reach up, stretching to the heavens

Lifted high, begging for relief

They are dry, malnourished begging for water

Back and forth they sway

The wind does nothing to fill their desire

Bare, naked and thirsty they cry out

Yet for a while longer their thirst will go unquenched

Their roots, unseen, continue to hold them fast their job

To provide rest and room for weary wonders also ins search for water

To provide protection from the elements

They will stand tall and proud

Never faltering from their call

Always looking to heaven for their needs

Doing nothing more, nothing less than being what they were created to be

And in his faithfulness, in His time

The Creator and Sustainer will answer their plea

He will bring the blessings, the nourishment they need

And all those around them will shout "Praise the Lord!"

Am I like those trees in a parched and weary land

Naked and bare do I look to heaven to meet my needs.

Do I allow my roots to hold me fast

When an answer I request and do not receive

Am I still a place of rest for the weary,

a place of protection from the elements of life

Do I share the well of life for those seeking water

Knowing that the Creator and Sustainor

Will answer my call and all around me will shout

"Praise the Lord!"?

Untitled

2011-10-31T13:02:00.002-05:00

There is this nagging thought sitting at what I envision as the back of my mind. A thought that needs to be expressed and shared and yet the words will not take shape into any one or even two cohesive thoughts. This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to put together a journal entry or blog post that makes sense.

I wouldn't consider myself an actual writer or author so I am not sure if the problem I am currently experiencing would be "writers block" or not. I tend to think it is not because I know (sort of) what I want to say in the end, I am just extremely scattered on how to get there. I have lots of great stuff - quotes, supporting texts, etc - to include and lead me to the end result and in my head they make sense but as I sit down and begin to write everything comes undone, disjointed and just down right confusing. There is no flow, no rythm, no continuity and yet the most frustrating part for me is that it all makes complete and total sense inside my head.

I wish there was a way, friend, that I could just open my mind to you, let you gaze in side and see what I am talking about. Or maybe what I need is for you to be able to plug some earphones into my thoughts and listen in on what is happening verbally inside my mind. It is a great conversation inside there and one I believe that is meant to be shared.

But alas, this is not a possibility and so I must struggle, work and continue the conversation in my head until the thought is brought to the surface and the words develop to share with you what my thoughts are. Until that time, I will leave you with a few quotes that I plan on incorporating into this post that is coming in hopes that by sharing them you will be blessed.

“Any deep change in how we live begins with a deep change in how we think.” Mark Buchanan in The Rest of God

"...Take it home, or out to a beautiful place, and dwell on it. Give it all your creative energy…every last drop…and let it transform from a wise saying to an new action or ‘way’ in you.” - Brian Mashburn

“Purposeful transformation is difficult and time consuming.” –Kyle Wade

Tozer Prayer

2011-10-11T06:45:00.001-05:00

beautiful Tozer Prayer I was blessed to start my day with -

O God, be Thou exalted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem dear unto me if only Thou art glorified in my life. Be Thou exalted over my friendships. I am determined that Thou shalt be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth. Be Thou exalted above my comforts. Though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses I shall keep my vow made this day before Thee. Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream. Rise, O Lord, into Thy proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that Thou mayest increase, let me sink that Thou mayest rise above...and let me hear the children cry to Thee, "Hosanna in the highest."

The Stagecoach

2011-08-28T08:35:00.002-05:00

I am sitting in a stage coach, holding the reigns. The Father God is riding shot gun. I see sadness on The Fathers face as The Father look at me and ask for the reigns. I ignore The Father some of the time, though some moments I do give The Father the reigns. While The Father has the reigns, the horses in front, are calm, sometimes running at the speed of light, other times, casually walking along allowing me to enjoy the scenery and The Father and I a chance to just talk and be with each other. Up ahead, the landscape is changing and I begin to get anxious. I notice that The Father actually doesn't have the reigns in his hands, they are just sitting on his lap. I begin to tell The Father about what I am seeing, to tell The Father how to drive this stage coach of my life. I look back my stage coach and see it packed with so things - friends, job, career, hopes, dreams, marriage, family, church - and I see that if The Father don't change course soon I will loose some if not all of my precious, precious cargo. The Father tell me to calm down, that he knows the way and it will be okay and tires to get me to see his way. But I can't see it, all I can see is the cliff that quickly coming up on the horizon and I know that my stage coach of life is about to plummet to disaster. And yet, The Father is staying the course, not changing anything at all. I ask The Father to at least slow the horses down and The Father denies me even that, asking me again to just focus on his face and reassures me that it is all under his control. I turn to look at The Father's face, to just gaze into his eyes, to trust The Father but I feel resistance. Sitting just behind me, crammed into a a place not meant to be occupied, Satan is perched. Every time I go to look at The Father, I feel his hand coaxing me to look again at the horizon. This goes on a for a few minutes while the horses just casually continue their journey. I see myself reach for the reigns that are just sitting in The Father's lap and The Father ask me why I am doing that. I tell him again about the cliff ahead and how to deal with it, but The Father again ignores me and ask me to just look at him, to trust him. Again, I attempt to do so but give into the pressure applied to my face by Satan's hand to watch the landscape and not study The Father's face. I quickly glance at The Father and I can see that he is saddened but I misunderstand The Fatherr sadness. I take it to mean that The Father too is sad about the cliff rather than my willingness to just trust him in the fact that he has control over the stage coach and horses. Satan picks up my hand and begins to caress it, consoling me in my grief that The Father is not listening to me. It feels nice to be consoled and I can hear Satan tell me about the bottom of the cliff, how devastating it will be to have the stage coach go over the edge. Before I realize what has actually happened, my hand has been guided to the reigns. The Father does not fight me at all, instead sits there quietly, in a small voice, trying desperately to convince me to leave the reigns with him. I ignore him and pick up the reigns and Satan smiles at The Father knowing he has won this battle this time. The Father is sad and sits back after saying something to horses that I couldn't quite here. The Father also looks back in sadness at my cargo, especially the people that are riding my stage coach and I can see his heart breaking for them and me. I beg The Father again to stop the horses from going off the cliff but with Satan's arms wrapped around me, helping me clutch reigns. The Father shakes his head and tells me to give him back the reigns. I point out how The Father had already messed that up and start wildly flapping the reigns, trying to get control of the horses. Yet the more I beat them, the more I scream at them, the more I watch the cliff come closer and closer, the more the horses run faster. They are trying to run in different directions, shaking the whole stage coach. I look back into time to see my cargo start to slip. I yell at The Father to jump back there and secure everything down. But he just sits there and ask for the reigns back. I tell The Father that I have that and The Father need to worry about my cargo and yet, The Father just sits, tears now welling up in his eyes. The cliff is not that far away and I try and steer the horses. They aren't responding to me at all and the stage coach jerks around more. That last bump something fell out - oh, it looks like a few friends fell off or jumped off and the job box is about to go. I beg The Father to go fix it but he doesn't. What I can't see is that in my haste to get the reigns, I have wrapped them around The Fatherr legs and He cant move. The Father tells me again to give Him the reigns and begs me to look at him, but Satan keeps one hand pressed against my face making it impossible to turn my face to The Father. His other hand and arm are holding mine much like a parent holds a child's hand when teaching them to write, not actually holding the reigns but definitely controlling the situation. The horses submit to the will of the bit finally and I think I am in control of them. I think back to the path The Father showed me and look for the markers he gave, where The Father said we were going to turn to avoid the cliff, where the bridge was but I can't find them. Satan is talking loudly in my ear, describing the cliff and how long the journey down will be. I look to The Father and see that The Father is crying. I ask The Father to tell me what to to, to remind me of where the markers are but he is silent. The Father looks back at my cargo and shake his head, knowing that its all about to go. I pick up the map that The Father brought with us and read it but it doesn't make sense because I can't find my place on it. The legend of the map says my location doesn't matter but I can't understand how that is possible when the cliff is quickly approaching. No matter what angle I hold the map, the compass on the map is always naturally pointing to The Father. However, I do notice that at times, it points at me. What I don't see is that Satan has moved the compass to point at me but when he moves is finger it pops back over to The Father. The cliff is right there and I know we are about to go over it. The horses are running at full speed now, fighting the bit, not stopping, I am desperately trying to gain control over them - yelling at them, screaming at them, shaking the reigns and hitting them as hard as I can. I look back and most of my cargo is thrown all over the road, laying scattered over the past few miles. There are still a few friends who have held on for dear life but they are ready to jump as well. Other friends have walked away from the scene before it can even happen while others stand still to watch the destruction. I can hear many of them calling out to The Father and I grow more and more angry with him for not answering them, for not taking control. What I don't see directly behind the stage coach is that there is something back there gathering the cargo, talking to the friends and family and I can't see that most of them are actually walking my direction. All I see is the cliff and The Father sitting there doing nothing. Satan is not even having to guide my hands any more or move the compass. I have complete control over both. It is now my finger that moves the compass to point only to me and my hand holding tightly to the reigns. We approach the cliff and the first two horses attempt to stop and not go over. I again angrily scream at The Father to make them stop but the momentum is too great. I still have the reigns. As we go over the side of the cliff, I let go of the map and the reigns and throw them up. Almost in slow motion, Satan reaches for the reigns and I scream. I speak nothing that is intelligible as we plummet to the bottom of the cavern. But then Satan again touches my shoulder and whispers in my ear. I look around and begin to think this fun. The cargo has all fallen away and my friends are screaming at me to look to The Father. The map has fallen off the stage coach as well and we are all free falling. I turn and look up and see The Father standing there, watching me fall, standing with many of my friends and family who are also watching me fall. I get angry and scream at The Father and Satan laughs loud and clear. I reach for the reigns again but can't reach them because Satan has a hold of them above my head, laughing a diabolical laugh. I again scream, not words just scream and become more and more angry. I hear my friends who are still in the stage coach yelling to me to look back at The Father on the cliff but I am so angry with him for leaving me that I won't do it. One of them again yells at me to give the reigns back Christ and I point out that I am alone up here and they just need to shut up. A few more jump out before we hit bottom in an attempt to save themselves. A few even try and grab me to stop me from being the carnage. I shake them off and scream out to The Father. Finally, moments before the horses hit rock bottom and everything is destroyed, I call out - this time I call out to The Father, not just scream. Though what I say is not discernible by any human ear I beg The Father to take control of my life again, to take the reigns from Satan and stop the wreck. Immediately, Satan is thrown from the stage coach and the reigns are moved back to the rightful place. It is then that I see Christ. Calmly, he pulls on the reigns but it is too late to stop the wreckage. As The Father looks down, tears in his eyes, The Father watch my stage coach, my horses, what little cargo I have left and the few friends I have left crash to the earth. And The Father along with those of my friends standing with him on the cliff weep for wreckage that is my life. The crash hurts, bad but I am alive. I sit up and look up around. My cargo is demolished, nothing has really survived. My friends and family that were still with me are there and are okay though some of them have sustained damage as well. It takes me a minute to find Christ but when I do, I crushed and heart broken. He looks worse than I do for sure. His body is completely mangled and it does not look like he is alive. I crawl over to him and am sickened by what I find. Satan is standing just a few feet away. He of course is completely unscathed and he is dancing, laughing. I reach out to Christ but his body is limp, lifeless. I look up and see The Father on the cliff, Father, crying at the carnage that was my life. I am too damaged, too tired to be angry and I collapse on the dead body of Christ, crying uncontrollably, inconsolable, desperate to change the situation but sitting at the bottom of this canyon, I can do nothing but weep. As I weep and beg and plead and scream, I feel something wrapped around me. First it reminds me of how I felt when Satan was holding me, guiding the reigns. But instead of anger and chaos, I begin to feel different. I begin to feel at peace. It is then that I realize that I am no longer laying my head on the body of Christ for that body is now gone. I look around and I see Christ and I do not see Satan. I am still at the bottom of the canyon but Christ is now standing there, whole not bruised and mangled. He smiles at me and turns to walk towards the destroyed stage coach. I watch as he tends to the horses, healing them and standing them back up. He then quietly and patiently begins to repair the stage coach looking back to me to, asking me to come help. I hurt for I am severely injured. I try to stand, to walk over to him but I can't. He asks if I want his help and I nod, unable in my shame to speak to him. He smiles tenderly at me and with tears in his eyes, he comes over to me and begins to heal my wounds. As he is healing me, he tells me about the blanket that is wrapped around my shoulders. He tells me that this blanket will continue to be a healer for me, that I should ever remove it and that when the stage coach gets fixed, I need to keep that blanket with me at all times because staying wrapped in this blanket, the blanket of his Holy Spirit will always keep me from Satan's touch. He also tells me that while I am healed I will be sore for a while and that he cannot take away the natural pain that comes from a wreck like this. He then stands up and reaches down his hand to me, inviting me to go help him repair the stage coach and gather the cargo that is left. With the blanket fully wrapped around me, I reach up and take the hand of Christ, the one who was there the entire time I was falling and we begin the long journey of repairing my life. I have no clue what I am doing because I have not been trained to do this sort of thing. But he is the Great Carpenter by trade and knows exactly how to fix the stage coach. As we work, I notice that we are not working alone. My friends who lived through the crash with me are also there, taking orders from Christ, helping to repair the stage coach. I look up to the cliff and I see The Father standing there, smiling. I also see that The Father is talking and then I see those friends who jumped coming down the path to help. I start to take off the blanket to go talk to them to find out why they jumped, but Christ reaches out to me and puts the blanket back on my shoulders and shows me where I need to focus on the stage coach. He assures me that the Father has already talked to them and what they did was between them and him and had nothing to do with me. I am a bit saddened and hurt and in my grief I rip open one or two of my wounds. The blanket immediately tightens around me and one of my of my friends calls over to Christ for me. He comes over and heals the wound, teaching me how to prevent it from opening again. After what seems like an eternity of work, the stage coach is rebuilt sturdier than before and the horses are ready to move on. My friends and family enthusiastically jump back on the stage coach, some carrying other cargo that has been replaced and replenished. I grab the map and head to sit in the back with my friends and family, knowing that Christ needs to control the reigns. But there is no room in the stage coach and Christ looks down at me, inviting me to join him back up where the reigns are. I am scared, terrified to climb up there because I know clearly what went wrong. The blanket again tightens around me and Christ again reaches down to pull me. Satan also starts to wiggle his way in between me and Christ and I scream at him. Christs pushes him off with just a flick of his fingers and Satan is cast away, carrying a huge box of cargo that is black with white letters on it - Ginger's Sin. I look to see where Satan went but I cannot see him. Christ offers me the reigns and I laugh and shake my head. He can have them, I want nothing to do with them at all. I look at the map and see that the compass is pointed in it's natural direction, to The Father, and we head off down that path. Each bump in the road hurts my wounded body but each time the blanket provides me great comfort. Before long, I again notice the landscape change. We are coming out of the canyon and The Father is there to meet us. The Father jump on board, adding the additional cargo that had fallen off in the chaos and then some more. A few more friends jump aboard and we restart the journey. The Father and Christ and the Holy Spirit are no worse for the wear. Some of my friend are still healing but we are beginning to talk again, laugh and enjoy each others company. I am still wounded and healing but I rest assured in the knowledge that I was never alone, that my sin has been carried away and I don't have to carry that cargo box any more, and that there is no room for Satan in the front of the behind the reigns. I have no doubt that he is following closely behind and will one day hop back up and try and squeeze in but for now I rest knowing I and my cargo, my friends, my family are safe because The Father has the reigns. And as we travel, I talk to The Father and Christ and the Spirit. And I am falling more and more in love with the three of them every day.

The Father's Love

2011-08-21T07:18:00.002-05:00

The Father Loves You.

Yes, you. And yes, me.
I don't get is sometimes because I know me and I know how unlovable I can be. But fortunately His love is not based on me, its based on Him. I also tend to believe that my life circumstances, my immediate situation is always an expressions of His love and tend to forget that there are other forces, Satan and his army, trying to disrupt my ability to abide in God's love and presence.

I didn't write the following, but it is full of truth and love. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

My Child ~
You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Christianity is...

2011-08-14T21:22:00.002-05:00

Tweets by Brian Mashburn and my response (**)

Christianity is characterized by suffering. When all is well in the world for a Christian, it is because he is too much of it.

**Lord, make me uncomfortable in this world. Show me how to suffer for you. Show me how to be "in the world but not of the world rather than "of the world but not in the world." **

Christianity is characterized by peace. When a Christian leaves peace and peacemaking, it's because he's forgotten who his Father is.

**Lord, you are teaching me how to be peaceful in the good circumstances. Continue to show me how to bring to the chaos that surrounds me.**

Christianity is characterized by purity. When a Christian defends his rights to sin moderately, he's left Jesus as his Lord & example.

**Lord, convict me often the sin that entangles me and do not let me ever defend or justify my sin.**

Christianity is characterized by a hunger for more of God. When a Christian isn't desiring God, its b/c they're feasting on temporal things.

**Lord, I know I feast on temporal thing often. I know I fill myself with lots of other things - food, entertainment, mindless reading - first instead of turning to you. Show me how to stop feasting on those things and rely only on You.**

Christianity is characterized by sincerity. When a Christian is shallow, sarcastic or superficial its because he isn't "seeing" as God sees.

**Lord, I want to see through your eyes. Stop my tongue from sarcasm and connect my heart to that which I want to hurt. Show me how to avoid shallow conversations and turn my conversations to you. when I want to be superficial make the circumstances impossible for that to happen. Give me a sincere heart and mind.**

Christianity is characterized by mercy. When a Christian lacks mercy, it is because he has forgotten his own sins or God's forgiveness.

**Lord, may I never forget the great extent that you went to offer me forgiveness and may I always offer forgiveness to the same extent to others. May my thoughts be like David's 'my sin is always before me" but not in a way that it produces guilt. May my sin be before me in a way that leads me to your feet and drives me to be more and more merciful daily. **

Christianity is characterized by dependence. When a Christian acts purely on his own initiative, he still has some growing up to do.

**Lord, I want to be completely and totally dependent and yet I know for a fact that I act on my own will often. Continue to humbly me Father that in all that I do, I only look to you and your will for my decisions.**

Christianity is characterized by love. Anything a Christian does that is not love is sin, a waste of his time, and suicide to his spirit.

**Lord, I am tired of wasting my time. I am tied of sin. And I am tired of trying to kill my spirit by reacting and acting out of religious duty, guilt, habit or selfish ambition. I want to be known as yours and I know that for that to happen, I will have to love others as you love me. **

Those who mourn will be comforted...

2011-08-08T21:40:00.003-05:00

The past few weeks have been tough.

Sixteen days ago, a good friend of mine at work unexpectedly lost her husband in a horrible motorcycle accident. Reality is you will bury your spouse or your spouse will bury you. I have come to accept this. However, you are not supposed to do this when you are 26 years old and you have a two year old daughter.

Nine days previous to that a friend of mine unexpectedly lost his father to a heartache. Again, reality is that you will bury your parents. However, being able to say good bye is something we all expect to do. My friend didn't have that privilege.

My friend whose father passed away has an extensive, strong support system around him filled with many people who have buried a parent and a lot of life experience that he can draw on to get him through this process.

I mourn with him and for him.

My friend at work has no life experience to speak of to draw on. Her support system while strong and filled with many people, does not include many people who have buried their spouse.

I mourn with her and for her.

I have no answers for either of them. I have no words that I can say that will change their circumstances, take away their pain, or help their healing process to go any faster. I know the promises that of my Father and these are the only things I know to say to my friends. My prayer is that God's presence will be made known to them through this; that in this, as in all things God will work for the good of those who love Him; and that because of this both of them will fall deeper and deeper in love with Jesus.

None of this changes that I still hurt, deeply, for my friends.

A prayer I can't get out of my head

2011-07-21T10:30:00.002-05:00

A few days ago, I read the following prayer in a book by Brennan Manning called "Souveniers of Solitude". I cannot get this prayer out of my head. It has slowly become my daily prayer, something I have found myself praying more than once a day, actually.

"Lord, I am not free - but who wants to be? You're all that matters in my life.
I don't want to be free of my hunger for your bread.
I don't want to be free of my thirst for your word.
I don't want to be free of my desire for your will.
I don't want to be free of my longing for your presence.
I don't want to be free of my need to be taken up, taken over, joined to you.
Lord, may I never be free from wanting you."

God is doing amazing, great, powerful and awesome things in my life, my heart and my head. I am becoming a new creation in Him because of His grace and mercy. And through some amazing spritual friendship and guidance. As I pray this prayer, I find myself more and more humbled and longing for this to be truer every minutes of my day. And yet, Satan still sets traps for me and I fall into the easily. I will not live in guilt though when I do fall for his tricks because my God is more powerful than anything Satan will throw at me and His grace is more than enough.

Flannel Graph History - Moses by Billy Burr

2011-07-13T22:24:00.002-05:00

What I heard from Billy Burr tonight about Moses.

Exodus 3:11, 12

"But Moses said to God, 'I am not a great man! How can I go to the king and lead the Israelites out of Egypt?' God said, 'I will be with you..."

- It does not matter who you are, it matters only Who is with you.

Exodus 4:1-8

"Then Moses answered, 'What if the people of Israel do not believe me or listen to me? What if they say 'They Lord did not appear to you?' The Lord said to him, 'What is that in your hand?' Moses answered, 'It is my walking stick.' The Lord said, 'Throw it on the ground.' So Moses threw it on the ground, and it became a snake, but the Lord said to him, 'Reach out and grab the snake by its tail.' When Moses reached out took hold of the snake, it again became a stick in his hand. The Lord said 'This is so that the Israelites will believe that the Lord appeared to you. I am the God of their ancestors, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.' Then the Lord said to Moses 'Put your hand inside your coat.' So Moses put his hand inside his coat. When he took it out, it was white with a skin disease. Then he said 'Now put your hand inside your coat again.' So Moses put his hand inside his coat again. When he took it out, his hand was healthy again, like the rest of his skin. The the Lord said, 'If the people do not believe you or pay attention to the first miracle, they may believe you when you show them this second miracle. After these two miracles, if they still do not believe or listen to you, take some water from the Nile River and pour it on the dry ground. The water will become blood when it touches the ground.' "

- It does not matter if people believe you. It matters only Whose power you believe in and will allow to use you.

Exodus 4:10-11

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Please, Lord, I have never been a skilled speaker. Even now, after talking to you, I cannot speak well. I speak slowly and can't find the best words.' Then the Lord said to him, 'Who made a person's mouth? And who makes someone deaf or not able to speak? Or how gives a person sight or blindness. It is I, the Lord. Now go! I will help you speak, and I will teach you what to say.' "

- It does not matter if you don't have the right words, it matters only Whose words you are speaking.

And finally, God is calling you to something and there is no legitimate reason for you not to do it. He will answer every questions, put aside every excuse and provide any and everything that you need to accomplish what He is calling you to.

He Loves Me

2011-07-10T15:23:00.003-05:00

We are reading the book He Loves Me by Wayne Jacobsen in my small group on Sunday nights. There is lots of good stuff in the book but today, this quote really got me.

"In the long run it doesn't matter whether rebellion or religion keeps you from a vibrant relationship with the Father; the result is still the same. He is cheated out of the relationship he wants with you and you never come to know how He feels about you."

I had never considered this idea until right this minute but how very, very true. In spinning my wheels, trying to earn God's grace and favor, I never really enjoyed a relationship with Him that amounted to anything besides frustration, sadness and the feeling of never measuring up. And yet, watching people rebel it is pretty obvious that doing that is not going to get there either. So there must be another choice, right?

Yes, there is another choice - accepting grace and living in freedom!

Christ himself talks about this very specifically. John records the following (John 8:31-36)

"So Jesus said to the Jews who believed in him, "If you continue to obey my teaching, you are truly my followers. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." They answered, "We are Abraham's children, and we have never been anyone's slaves. So why do you say we will be free?" Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, everyone who lives in sin is a slave to sin. A slave does not stay with a family forever, but a son belongs to the family forever. So if the Son makes you free, you will be truly free..."

Doesn't it sound great to live in freedom, not have to rebel and not live by religious standards that are pretty much impossible to meet and still be right with God?

What does that life look like?

If I live that life would it change what I do day to day?

Would it change how I treat others?

Do I even want that life or am I too comfortable in my religious way of living that I am unwilling to change?

Things I learned this week

2011-06-10T18:23:00.002-05:00

I learned and relearned some interesting things this week. I thought I would share them.

Things I relearned:

My husband supports me in whatever pursuit I choose.
God provides.
I have an amazing support system that stretches across the nation.
I have this great community locally that wants to see me become more like Christ and will pour out themselves to me to help me in that pursuit.
I have another group of friends who don't necessarily understand why I do what I do but still support me and hold me accountable.

Things I learned for the first time.

I can loose weight if the reason I focus on loosing that weight has to do with God and is not about how I look or what other think of me.
Food does not have to control me.
Being hungry has nothing to do with sadness or anger.
Dying to self is hard but possible and totally worth it.
Every other commercial on TV is about food.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I praise God for all that I learned this week. He is good.

Expectations

2011-05-24T23:55:00.002-05:00

I am headed to Cuchara, Colorado with my husband. It is our 1oth Anniversary and we are going camping in our travel trailer for a few days then we are meeting a few couples at a cabin for a retreat, a PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) retreat to be exact. I am thrilled to headed on this vacation. I have lots of expectations though.

I expect to read for at least a few hours.

I expect to play cards with husband (and lose).

I expect to sleep well.

I expect to hike.

I expect to see wildlife.

I expect to relax.

I expect to read Scripture.
I expect to listen for the voice of God.

I expect to see God's presence, often.

I expect to learn something about God I didn't know.
I expect to connect with my husband and the others on our retreat.

I expect to come back a different person than when I left here.

I expect God to do great and mighty things while we are there and then continue to do great and mighty things when we get back because we were there.

I hope I am not setting myself up for failure.

A prayer

2011-05-18T23:19:00.002-05:00

God, fortunately, You were there tonight and saw all that happened. You know the hearts of those people involved, including mine. I seriously doubt that the disregard shown for me was intentional or malicious in anyway. I don't think that was the desire at all. I cannot believe that the message I received tonight was the message You had prepared for me. I know that You would never set out to tell me that I am not valuable. That is not how You look at me. I know this fully well, in my head and my heart. And yet, You also know that is exactly the message I have received. A message that has been spoken into me from an early age and reinforced over and over and over again. And yes, Lord, I do know that You have spent thousands of hours, through thousands of conversations and scriptures with thousands of people in thousands of settings to contradict that message. And I I do believe Your message that I am valuable, treasured, precious, wonderful, holy and that You like and love me. Help my unbelief! I beg You to continue speaking to me in voice I can recognize as Yours, a voice that is speaking truth and is calling me farther and farther away from the lie that Satan wants me to put my trust in. Forgive me of my bitterness, dislike, and resentment I have towards my fellow Christ-follower. Do not allow any of those things to set in and take root. I humble ask that You reveal to me a way to let go of those feelings. Remove the plank in my eye that I might more clearly see my co-worker in Christ as You do - valuable, treasured, precious, wonderful, holy and liked and loved by You, just like I am. Spirit convict me of sin when my humanity begins to interfere with the calling I have to live honestly in every setting, regardless of the intentional or inadvertent messages I receive from people . Jesus, I know you had to have been tempted to deal with people in a harsh manner who disregarded You but you didn't, at least not in a way that was sinful or didn't glorify God. Show me how to do that, Christ so that You, the Father and Spirit my receive praise and glory. Amen.

Osama Bin Laden is dead

2011-05-02T22:30:00.010-05:00

This blog post is primarily for me to have a recorded memory of the events of the past 24 hours. Facebook posts do not last long at all and can be difficult to find. This entry will also make it into my online journals (yes, I have more than one. I am a bit anal about these types of things).

The joy of Dish network is that the national media does not break into all regular programming on most stations. So from what I can gather it was about 35 minutes after the new broke that I finally received a text from someone telling me all I was missing. It was one of the rare times I was on my computer but didn't have facebook open. So I responded to the text, not quite believing what I was reading, finished what I was doing and then switched channels on the TV. I sat in stunned silence as NBC, CBS and ABC confirmed what my friend had texted to me. Osama Bin Laden was in fact dead. I looked at Jason and said "Are you watching this?" It was clear by his reaction that he was not because he looked up from his laptop, glanced at the TV and then looked back down at his laptop. Almost immediately he did a double take at the TV and I could see that the shock of the reality had hit him.

Al-qaeda began sometime in the late 80's if I am not mistaken so this is a terrorist group I have heard about for much of my life. On and off, not always in the spot light but still there, still present. The name and face of Osama Bin Laden was etched into my memory and the memory of millions of Americans and most of the rest of the world on September 11, 2001, the day "the world stopped turning." And for the past 9 years and 8 months we have lived with consequences of his actions and the actions of those who followed him. I wish I could believe that his death would end this terrorist group. But to believe in that would be a fool's errand and would be putting my hope in a lie. I have no doubt that Al-qaeda will continue to maim, mutilate, and harm any and everyone they want to. Fear, insecurity, hatred and violence will continue through this group even without him as their leader.

I have heard lots of talk about justice being done and I find myself unable to accept this man's death as justice for the 3000 lives lost on 09/11/2001, not to mention the thousands of lives lost prior to that date because of the work that Al-qaeda did. And there are thousands more that were lost since that time. The death of one evil man cannot provide justice for those deaths. In my mind there is nothing that will provide that justice, ever. I have heard the same talk about revenge and I feel the same way there. No amount of torture could be extracted on him on this earth that would fulfill my human desire for justice and revenge.

And then I listen to the political side of this, you know the talk I a referring to, right? Whose administration should get credit for this? People taking shots at the current president for taking the credit. People taking shots at the previous administration for "not getting him." This man's death was not the work of one president, one administration or one anything. There is more going on here than anyone, including this administration, can see.

I am not surprised by the reaction that our country is having, though I am saddened to see the reaction of those whom call themselves Christ followers. It is exactly what I expected to be the reaction. "USA! USA!" "Proud to be an American." "Woohoo! Way to go America!" And truthfully there is a part of me that wants to participate in those cheers.

But I have not been called to be an American and I have not chosen to put my citizenship in America first. My citizenship is in a different Kingdom and I am feeling the struggle to be part of that Kingdom rather than rejoice in my American citizenship.

The only thing I can hold on to in times like this is that there is a God who has provided a different way to live. Fear, insecurity, hatred and violence will continue, but God provides a way to have courage (Psalm 27:1), security (Romans 8:38,39), love (1 John 4:16) and peace (John 14:27). Justice and revenge need to happen but God has promised that He will handle that (Psalm 89:14). The fact is it really didn't matter who the President of the United States was on the day that Osama Bin Laden died, just as much as it didn't matter the who the ruler of Monaco was on that day. God's sovereignty mattered more (Job 14:5). And while my desire is to stand along side my fellow Americans and cheer, I cannot do so (Romans 12:2).

A man, created in the image of God (Gen 1:27) by God (Psalm 139:13), died this week presumably not knowing God in a way that could save him (John 15:1-9). This was not God's desire for this man (1 Timothy 2:3,4) for if it was He had no reason to send Christ (John 3:16). Therefore if I rejoice in this man's death (Proverbs 24:17) I am not being faithful to what I claim I want to be (Romans 12:1,2). That being the case, I will continue to fight the urge to join my fellow Americans and instead purposefully pray for my enemies (Matthew 5:44), pray for my leaders (1 Timothy 2:1,2), and pray for the men and women who choose to give the ultimate sacrifice (John 15:3).

Accepting No As An Answer

2011-04-19T17:01:00.002-05:00

Our first year in houseparenting world we were introduced to "The Skills Book." This was a great resource we used often throughout our time as houseparents and actually still have a copy of today. It takes concepts and breaks them down to step by step, easy to follow, easy to remember instructions. Things like "Following instructions", "Setting Boundaries", "Answering the Phone", and "Completing a Task"- just to name a few. For many of our kids it provided a necessary, healthy way of handling situations that they previously did not know how to handle.

One skill that is currently coming to mind for me right now is "Accepting No As An Answer." In theory and step by step instructions, it is a very simple skill.

Look at the person.

Say "okay."

Stay calm.

If you disagree, ask later.

See what I mean, simple and easy to remember.

And yet as I sit here having to accept "no" as answer it is not that simple. I have said "okay" in the professional manner. I am staying calm in a professional manner. I disagree with decision but my disagreeing will not change the answer at all and I know that later I will be given a reason for the "no" answer I received.

It is not easy or simple. What I want to do is rebel. What I want do is yell and scream and point out all the reason it should have been a "yes" instead of a "no."

The fact is "no" is not an easy answer to accept. "No" is discouraging when the reason behind it has to do with quality of work performed. "No" is confusing when it contradicts other messages given. "No" is hard to handle when there are plenty of reasons that "yes" should have been answer. "No" hurts when the reason behind the it may have to do with character flaws. "No" is especially frustrating when your best isn't enough to get a "yes."

And so I am having to repeat the skill of "accepting no as an answer" to myself. It is a good thing to practice though I am not much on being so well practiced at this skill.

And of course, I am reminding myself of many of the promises my Father has given me - I am valuable because of Whose I am. I am loved by the Maker of the Universe. I have access to life to full and the Kingdom of Christ because He provided that way for me. I have the greatest Comforter ever. And I have power of the Satan who will not turn this "no" into a victory for himself because he has already been defeated.

No words

2011-04-13T21:05:00.001-05:00

This family needs your prayers. Period.

http://familybondingtime.blogspot.com/

The Speaking Voice

2011-03-31T06:42:00.006-05:00

The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer

Chapter 6 - The Speaking Voice

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." - John 1:1

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As a child I was taught a very healthy respect for the Bible. From my first day in 4th grade until I graduated college it was a constant presence in my daily life because it was one of my text books I had to have with me for school.

For a time though I stopped reading Scripture. I had my reasons, a "holy rebellion" as one friend called it. My Bible was always near by. I still carried it to church. It in class or a study when someone else was reading it out loud I would read along with them and I even opened it up when one of my kids had a question. But very, very rarely did I ever pick up the Holy Scriptures just to read them for the sake of getting to know Christ, learn something new or be fed. I just stopped reading Scripture.

I never stopped hearing the Voice of God.

For someone who grew up with the belief that God spoke only through His written word, the Bible, it was somewhat confusing to hear the voice of God while not reading the Bible. I think that is why the following passage moved me this morning -

"I believe that much of our religious unbelief is due to a wrong conception of and a wrong feeling for the Scriptures of Truth. A silent God suddenly began to speak in a book and when the book was finished lapsed back into silence again forever. Now we read the book as a the record of what God said when He was for a brief time in a speaking mood. With notions like that in our heads how can we believe? The fact are that God is not silent, has never been silent. It is the nature of God to speak. The second Person of the Holy Trinity is call the Word. The Bible is the inevitable outcome of God's continuous speech. It is the infallible declaration of His mind for us put into our familiar words."

There is a part of me now that grieves the time I lost in Scripture because I am learning how rich, deep, alive and amazing the written word of God truly is. And yet God showed great mercy and great grace to speak to me even when I would not read what He wanted to tell me. As Tozer also says

"God did not write a book and send it by messenger to be read at distance by unaided minds. He spoke a Book and lives in His spoken words, constantly speaking His words and causing the power of them to persist across the years...The tragedy is that our eternal welfare depends upon our hearing, and we have trained our ears not to hear...Religion has accepted the monstrous heresy that , size, activity and bluster make a man dear to God. But we may take heart. To a people caught in the tempest of the last great conflict God says 'Be still, and know that I am God,'..."

I am not advocating here to not read Scripture. Again, I lost much by giving up that part of my walk with God. But I also give up something if I limit myself to believing that the only way to hear what God has to is say is through that avenue. Without the Scriptures I will have no way to judge if what I hear is the Voice of God. But without the Voice of God, I will have nothing to hear.

Take My Life

2011-03-20T16:28:00.007-05:00

I am blessed to worship with a large group of people, many of whom are very talented singers and since the tradition of our church is not to use musical instruments in our worship services I have the opportunity on a weekly basis to hear and participate in a-capella singing. And I am blessed to be under the worship leadership of man who is passionate about worshiping God in song and many other ways. On a very regular basis these three facts combine to make my worship experience a powerful and beautiful experience, despite the fact that I myself am not a great singer.

I have been a part of this tradition all of my life and have rarely missed a Sunday. I also seem to have a great memory for songs. I find myself singing all types of songs throughout my day - hymns, praise and worship, devotional, children's, etc. For almost every situation I find myself in, I can find a song to bring me comfort, joy, or peace. I can walk into most any church within my tradition and sing the songs they are singing without any problems and without a song book most of the time. And for the most part I can walk into most Protestant based churches and do the same. I consider this a huge blessing from God and I am extremely grateful for it.

However, I have found that there can be a downfall to this. And I suspect most long time Christians would be able to say they have this experience as well.

I don't pay attention to the words I am singing.

Okay, now that is not always the case and truthfully that is not the case the majority of the time. Songs that have me praise God for His power, His might, His holiness, His provision - those songs- old or new - I connect with deeply and truly pay attention to what I am saying to Him. Songs that are meant to edify others or connect me with others, those songs I connect to as well and pay attention to what I am saying.

But there are these other songs, songs that talk about what I want Christ to do in my life or what I am giving Him, those songs I really just go through the motions.

However today, the Spirit was at work and I had to stop and carefully look at the words to one of the songs led today.

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee

Take my moments and my days let them flow in ceaseless praise.

(Do I want my life set aside for a sacred and holy purpose for God? If so am I willing to give up everything to make that happen? Do I give God the praise He deserves? In the good and the bad?)

Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love

Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

(Will I serve anyone God puts in front me, expecting nothing in return, only out of my love for Him? And if I am willing to serve, will I do it in His time frame, reacting immediately to His calling?)

Take my voice and let me sing, only always for my King

Take my lips and let them filled with messages from thee.

(Are the words I use from God, about God or praising God? How do I make normal every day conversations become a praise to my King? I talk for a living and what I talk about is not evil in and of itself but is there a different message communicated to the people I talk to because of Christ?)

Take my silver and my gold, not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use ever power as thou shalt choose.

(Am I wiling to give away anything that God tells me to? If He looked at me and told me sell everything and give my money to the poor would I without bitterness, complaint or resentment? Or more importantly would I do it with joy, peace, happiness and contentment? Whatever knowledge or skills I have, do let Him use?)

Take my love my Lord I pour at thy feet its treasures store

Take my life and I will be ever only all for Thee.

(ever as in always? only as in He is the only one I will store my treasure with and give my love to? All as in all of it, everything?)

Lord,

Thank you for giving me the hard questions to answer and think about. Give me the courage to answer them honestly and where I need to change to become more like Christ, give me the courage to do that as well. Remove any fear, anxiety or shame I have in changing something about myself that allows me to sing these words with a pure, intentional heart.

A song in my soul

2011-03-08T08:27:00.002-06:00

Your Scriptures tell me that You love me.
And all the evidence is there.
Yet I live each day thinking I am
unloved, forgotten and no one really cares.

Your grace is more than enough
To carry through my days
And so my Lord, my God and King
I will live as an offering of praise.

As I say these words and have these thoughts
I want this to be true
And yet I know me so I know
I will not follow through

Your grace is more than enough
To carry through my days
And so my Lord, my God and King
I will live as an offering of praise.

My soul longs to praise You, Lord
For your great might and power
But I cannot find the words to use
Regardless of the day or hour

Your grace is more than enough
To carry through my days
And so my Lord, my God and King
I will live as an offering of praise.

I will live as an offering of praise.

A prayer by A.W. Tozer

2011-02-15T14:09:00.003-06:00

This is really just for my own keeping but I hope you find yourself blessed by it too:

"O God, quicken to life every power withinme, that I may lay hold on eternal things. Open my eyes that I may see; give me acute spirutual perception; enable me to taste Thee and know that Thou are good. Make heaven more real to me than any earthly thing has ever been. Amen"

From - The Pursuit of God

Media Fast

2011-02-10T16:57:00.005-06:00

I spent 48 hours avoiding TV, radio and Internet activities. I have conflicting feelings about this experience. Not having a radio didn’t really have much of an affect on me because the only time I listen to the radio is when I am in my car and even then, often times, I turn it off and either sit in silence, spend time praying or talking on the phone. I was never really tempted to turn on the radio.

I did find that having no TV was difficult because I like to loose myself in the mindless shows that I tend to watch and escape my own thoughts and feelings. I find that it is a great way to unwind, avoid stress, avoid confrontation and pass the time. I don’t really have any shows that I am so wrapped up in that I must see them or I feel like I have lost something but I really enjoy the drama, fiction, unrealistic behaviors and easy with which life tends to be led on TV. Since I really enjoy basketball, I did find it much more difficult to not watch the basketball games I really enjoy. That was probably the hardest part of disconnecting from TV for me.

The most difficult thing for me in this 48 hour media fast was disconnecting from the internet. The internet has become so much of how I stay in contact with friends and family that my time away from that source of connection had me feeling very alone and lonely. And if experience has taught me anything at all when I do reconnect on facebook, myspace and email with my friends and family, I will once again feel that way. When I have taken a break like this in past, for the most part, my absence goes unnoticed by the majority of my “friends” and goes completely unnoticed by my family members. I am preparing myself to accept this as a reality of life in general not a slight against me personally though I do know that there will be a part of me that is wounded by this fact.

I really hate feeling this way and am working towards not needing people to want or need me in their lives. As a people pleaser having people want me there, whether that is in person or on line, is important to me.

However, one thing that was made very clear to me in my times of reading and meditation during my media fast was that God wants me there in His presence, always. And when I choose to be there first the other “need”, the need for people to want or need me, is diminished greatly. I read a quote this week that stayed with me “God does not need you to complete his work. He wants you to complete his work.” I love that thought because it keeps God sovereign, all powerful and holy but still allows me to be a part of whatever God is up to at any given moment in my life and the life of those around me.

I was also convicted of my lack of conviction over my sin. There is a book called “Respectable Sin”. I have not read the book but the title alone resonates with in my soul. Most of my sin is sin that is unseen by most people and is sin that most people would shrug their shoulder at and yet it is that sin that has kept me from living life to full and enjoying the peace of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit and the presence of God Almighty. Repeatedly, I found myself in awe of the fact that God puts up with me and my ridiculous willingness to turn my back on Him. About 24 hours into the fast, I had to send a text to find where in Scripture a particular song came from. It was Psalm 51 so I immediately located the passage

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.”
What a sorrowful, desperate prayer this became for me, begging God to not give up on me and continue to keep me holy in His sight. The Spirit then convinced me to read on through the passage.

“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”
Wow! That was exactly how I felt. So few people really know what I actually do that is sinful and yet, always I know how much I screw it up. I wanted to cry because how could I ever think I could overcome any of this and why should I try? So, through tears, I continued reading
“Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

There was the answer, I can’t overcome. I don’t have try. God Himself will continue to cleanse me, wash me, not look at my sins, create purity in me, renew me, restore me, support me, and deliver me. My only responsibility in all of that is to sing of his righteousness, and He will even open my lips for that to happen.

I have been here many times, true. And I fully realize this. However in my soul, a place I choose to ignore, this feels different. Usually when I get to this place, I become disappointed in myself for allowing myself to forget this truth. This time though I think the message has made that journey from my head to my heart because this time, rather than it binding me and making me feel guilty or ashamed, I feel free.

My Conversation with Ron

2011-01-11T19:04:00.005-06:00

My mom dropped me off at the Austin airport about 35 minutes earlier than I needed to be there. I inquired at the gate if it was possible to get out on an earlier flight and boarded the plane that was in the processing of boarding. I was the third to last person on the plane and made my way to the back where I saw a few empty seats on the isles. I sat down next to a gentleman who was sitting alone in the row in the middle seat. He had his bag sitting on the window seat. I was sort of annoyed at the fact that he wouldn’t put the bag down and scoot over allowing both of us to have more room but he obviously had no intention of doing so. I was polite as he made small talk but I had no intention of actually getting into any sort of conversation with him. Then he made some sort of comment about having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for 26 years and had just received help recently in dealing with it. This piqued my interest a bit and I inquired what had caused the PTSD. Over the short 39 minute flight from Austin to Dallas , his story unfolded.

Ron joined the Army two weeks after his 19^th birthday. Six weeks later, he was in Vietnam “seeing things no man has a right see.” It was never really a choice for him on how to deal with what he saw and did and Ron never blamed society, the Army or anyone else in general for his problems. He returned from his one year tour of duty, married, had kids and held down a steady job at the postal service for 25 years. His children were always well provided for and had very few wants. His relationship with his wife was what he thought it was supposed to be and looking in from the outside, nothing would appear to be wrong with Ron and his family. There was no abuse, no neglect and no major issues -- just a normal family, living a normal life. However, Ron readily admitted that he was vigilant about his safety and the safety of his family. While this may seem healthy, Ron took it to an extreme level, often times interfering with family life and outings. He was always on alert, suspecting everyone around him to be “out to get” him, his wife and his kids. According to Ron, it caused many problems for him and his family. However, Ron had been given no coping skills to deal with his PTSD in childhood as he was raised by a mean, alcoholic mother and of course, at the time of the Vietnam War the Army was not providing post-service support/counseling. So, Ron found the only way he could to do deal with it and smoked marijuana often. This of course deadened his feelings to reality which in the end made him emotionally unavailable to his wife and children. Eventually, while dealing with her some of her own issues his wife also became “a different person” and the two of them divorced. Before the spiral of PTSD, hyper vigilance and marijuana use killed Ron, he made it to a VA hospital where some “wonderful doctors and thousands of hours of counseling” saved his life and provided him the coping skills he needed and removed the “darkness that had always swallowed” his life.

Throughout the course of the conversation we talked about kids and I shared that Jason and I had been houseparents. I shared how I had felt called into that field as a teenager based on my experiences in growing up in a “broken home” and with an alcoholic step father. He then explained that he was using his experience with PTSD to mentor vets returning from the war to avoid what he had lived through.

At one point of time, Ron mentioned something about being “spiritual but not religious.” At the time he made this comment, it was not appropriate at all to dig deeper so I let it go. However, Ron noticed my sweatshirt and inquired what denomination Oklahoma Christian University was. I shared with him that it was primarily supported by the church of Christ but welcomed anyone of any or no faith to attend and went on to explain that I had been raised in the church of Christ. He just nodded and asked if there were other schools like it and I listed the Christian Universities that are technically church of Christ – ACU, LCU, Harding, Pepperdine, David Lipscomb. He had heard of a few of them and was surprised that one or two were CofC schools as he knew people who had gone to those schools and they never seemed drawn into religious issues. I felt like this was an open door and so I asked “Ron, earlier you said that you were spiritual but not religious. Can you explain to me what you mean?”

Ron hesitated and then said, “I don’t want to offend you but then again I don’t think I will.” I assured him he would not offend me and encouraged him to continue. He did. “Ginger, I believe there is a God. No, I don’t believe there is a God, I know there is a God. I would say though that I am a Gnostic Christian though I don’t abide by everything they teach. Basically, I know there is God. I believe he sent Christ. I believe Christ is divine. I believe there is a Holy Spirit who provides in more ways that I can know. I believe God is an infinite God and that my finite mind and the finite mind all humans cannot describe God to me or to you and an attempt to do diminishes Him. I believe I must have a personal relationship with God, Jesus and the Spirit and I believe that this is my right and you are allowed to have your opinion even if it is not my opinion and that is between you and God. I read the Bible and I pray – though I refuse to pray the scripted prayers of the church – and I seek to help others find the light to break free from the darkness.”

I was blown away. I could not disagree with him on any point and I told him as much. He was visibly moved by my response and asked why I attended the church of Christif I believed like he did. I told him that I chose remain at the church of Christ specifically for the reasons he stated, because I knew when I was with my church family, they believed the same thing and I longed for the fellowship that being part of a church. He said he longed for that fellowship to but was not at a point where he could be part of that fellowship. He said, “I often wonder if I ever will be.” I asked him what it would take for God to convince him he is ready and he said, “If I could find more people like you and apparently your church, I would be ready.” I told him to be faithful to that and I believed God would honor that faithfulness.

To our surprise, the plane was landing so it was time to wrap up the conversation. Ron was continuing on the plane to Albuquerque and I had a connecting flight to catch to Amarillo . I stuck my hand out to Ron and said “It has been a pleasure. Thank you for being honest with me Ron and explaining your stance on spirituality verses religious. This was an encouraging and uplifting conversation.” Ron replied, “I felt safe with you, Ginger and I too have been encouraged. I am so glad our paths crossed and I hope when I am ready there will be others like you ready to take me in. Who knows, maybe, I will just pick up and move to Amarillo at that time?” We both laughed and I assured him that as long as he was seeking Christ, he could find what he was looking for. He smiled and with a tear in his eye said, “That is the promise, isn’t it.”

Uncommon Crusade

2010-12-15T23:18:00.002-06:00

I have a delightful friend here in Amarillo who is having a book published! Uncommon Crusade will be released in January, 2011. Help spread the word. Let me know if you want a a copy for yourself, a friend, a relative, school library or church library. Go check it out here:

http://caronguillo.com/

Thanks!

Adoration

2010-12-09T21:54:00.003-06:00

God you are amazing, powerful all consuming.

You are strong, determined and reckless.

You are full of wonder, might beauty and grace.

I will alway marvel at your patience,

the way you pursue your people,

the way you destroy walls, barrier and hurdles

Just to meet people where they are.

I will never cease to be amazed at your perfect ability to be

angry and loving

judge and forgiver

Father and Son

grace and mercy

Here and there

I am constantly humbled that you allow me to be in your throne room

petitioning you on behalf of my friends and family

because I know I have no right to be there.

I know my sin is disgusting to you and

that you are incapable of hearing my prayers

with your own intervention.

Your plan makes no human sense to me

and yet it is the most perfect plan ever written.

A beautiful, painful story of love

A love you give freely.

My earthly languages are not complex enough to tell of your amazing deeds.

My finite mind is not big enough to comprehend your depth, your peace, your ways.

Thank you is not enough and yet it is all I have.

John 10:10

2010-12-08T22:09:00.011-06:00

New Century Version (NCV)

"A thief comes to steal and kill and destroy, but I came to give life—life in all its fullness."

The Message (MSG)

" A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

New King James Version (NKJV)

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

New Living Translation (NLT)

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."

Praying scripture

2010-12-07T08:29:00.002-06:00

I have a group of friends who meet on a weekly basis. Every Tuesdays, I have one member of the group who often will text me a specific prayer request for that group's meeting. I sent my normal question to my contact and did not get a response but was drawn to start praying anyway. Without the words to know what to say this time, I directed the beginning of my prayer to the Spirit to ask that he interceded for me and provide the words that needed to be said to the Father for this group. I was led to John 17...

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as Christ was not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent Christ into the world, He has sent them to our city. For them Christ sanctified himself, that they too may be truly sanctified. My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in Christ through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in Christ and He is in you. May they also be in you so that the world may believe that you have sent Him. Jesus gave them the glory that you gave him, that they may be one as you and he are one— Him in them and you in Christ—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent Christ and have loved them even as you have loved him. Father, I want those you have given us, our church, our city to be with Jesus where he is, and to see his glory, the glory you have given him because you loved him before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, Christ know you, and they know that you have sent him. Jesus made you known to my friends, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for Him may be in them and that Jesus himself may be in them.”

My Friend's Was Drained

2010-11-28T17:48:00.005-06:00

So, I get to be friends with this person, lets say that person's name is "Lee" because it is easy to spell.

Lee has a job that he loves to do. He gets to talk to people about something he loves deeply. Those conversations happen in a many ways every day of the week. Sometimes it is when he is at home and dealing with his children or being with his wife. Sometimes it is with his coworkers. Sometimes it is with people who don't have any clue why they have a desire to talk to him. Sometimes it is in a big group, other times it is in a small group. Regardless of where it is, every time I have been around Lee after he has had one or many of these conversations, I have always been blessed to be renewed due to his energy, passion and excitement about what it was he talked about. That is until recently.

Recently, I had a different experience with Lee, one that is I can't get settled in my heart. After he had one of these conversations, after sharing passionately with a group of people, I spent time with him. He was different. There was still a peace about him. There was still a look in his eyes that completely communicated his normal desire for those around him to love what he loves. And of all the people he wants that for he was with his four most favorite people (I would not be included in that count), the four people he would want that for above all other people. And yet, something was gone. He no longer had the energy, strength or gusto he normally has. I picked up on it pretty quick and it made me...well, that is why I am writing. I can't find a word for what it made me feel.

Sad is part of it. Sad because I love the passion, energy, strength, gusto with which Lee lives. And I know he loves that passion, energy, strength and gusto as well. It does something for him that nothing else can do. So to see him without that made me sad for him.

Grateful is part of it. Grateful because I now know that being in these conversations cost him more than I was previously aware. And they cost him deeply, not all the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times. And yet, on a very regular basis he is willing to fully engage in these conversations and sacrifice a part of himself solely for the thing that he loves and his desire that others love that thing as well. And I realize that I am often part of these conversations that he is willing to sacrifice himself to. How humbled I am to know that in a different way.

Uncomfortable is another part of it. Every time I am around Lee he is this energetic, all consuming ball of passion for this thing that he loves. Normal conversations with him often end up about this love and yet it never feels forced or like he has hijacked the conversation. It is natural to talk about this love with him and it is always a part of who he is so that the conversation is always good. But it is always filled with energy and passion. Until today and I didn't know what to do with that. I wanted to say something, do something, be something that would bring that back out and everything would return to my normal. He was not doing anything different or wrong, he was just living the honest life that he attempts to live all the time and for the first time in my experience with him, it included him not being energetic and passionate.

So I thought a conversation with Lee would help things. It didn't, not really. It just confirmed in me that I am so focused on my self, so focused on how I am affected by Lee, so focused on what I get from these conversations that I have missed for years how it impacts Lee, changes him, affects him.

"How selfish I have been, Father. I have participated in hundreds of conversations with my friend and yet never once considered his part in that conversation, the part of him that he was actually sacrificing to me and You to have that conversation. And how ignorant, short sided, narrow minded and selfish of me to hear the words he said to me over and over and over again and not heed those words, words I know are right, true and good. Father, I repent of that self centered attitude and humbly ask that you save me from that focus when I am in conversation with my friend, whether that conversation be personal, small group or large group. May I always know that it is costing my friend something to be in that conversation with me and may my response to his words be worthy of that sacrifice. As I say that request to you, I hear Captain Miller from Saving Private Ryan saying to Private Ryan "James earn this...earn it." And Father, remind me to pray specifically for my friend, prayers that he will not loose heart, energy, passion. Father make it so that my friend never looses the desire to have these conversations. May the sacrifice he chooses to pay not ever be more than he can handle. Keep him renewed with your love. Recharge him quickly and deeply. I know my friend does not want to ever fall into a place where this is "his burden he must carry." Instead Lord, give him the strength to hand that burden to Christ and rejoice in any suffering that comes with the sacrifice. Thank you for this experience, for not letting me comfortable with it, for making me pursue the conversation further with my friend, for hearing his heart in it, and for hearing Your conviction through it. I have no doubt this is why I had the privilege of being with him this afternoon. What an honor as always Father to be at your throne, lifting up my friend to you. Spirit, there are still words in my heart for my friend, words I cannot express and yet deeply long to and I know that you are taking those words and translating them to the King of the Universe for me. Thank you. Jesus, thank you for covering me with your blood, which allows me to be here. It is through you that I come."

I Love God?

2010-09-06T11:27:00.008-05:00

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.”

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.”

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And then second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I love God.

1 Corinthians 13 and Hebrews 2 has often been used to talk about how we are to follow the second greatest commandment, especially in regards to marriage. And that is true. In fact, I am willing to credit my desire and ability to have a good marriage to those two verses. It is only because I try and mimic Christ’s attitude of humbleness that I am able to put my husband’s needs above my own. And it is because I have a deep, abiding love for Jason that I work to be patient, kind, excited for his victories, humble, and not rude. It is also my love for him that makes it possible for me to protect his heart, trust him at all times, hope with and for him and persevere with him. I have also been able to apply those same principles to my other relationships, with friends and family alike. These verses have been applied to God’s dedication and love for us.

However, recently it occurred to me that I have neglected to apply those same principles to my relationship with God. I read this verse in light of what Jesus said was the greatest commandment.

If I truly love God I will be patient with Him to reveal His will, His plan and His purpose, not become easily angered and trust Him. This is one of my biggest struggles. I am very accustomed to having things now. Part of that is because of the society and generation in which I was raised, however, a good part of that too is because I typically find a way to get what I want, when I want it and usually even how I want it. I tend to look like I am being patient and trusting God, but in my heart I am often angry that I am not getting my way.

If I truly love God I will be kind to Him and not be rude. I am somewhat ashamed to say that of all the relationships in my life I am probably the most unkind to God. I will yell and scream at Him in ways that I would never yell and scream at anyone else. I blame Him for things that are my fault. I ignore Him. I disregard Him.

If I truly love God I will not be envious of Him. My envy is usually fairly subtle and on the surface is directed towards others. But I have discovered the past week or two that it is truly an issue I have with God. I become envious when God uses others to do something for which I think I should be used. And when I realize that I am envious I typically do not become upset with the other person, I become upset with God.

If I truly love God I will not be proud, yet often I go before Him, chest puffed out saying “See what I did? And I did it all by myself.” Who am I kidding?

If I truly love God, I will not be self seeking. A while back I purposefully changed my prayer life. It was a wonderful experience for me and for others. And yet, I still find myself spending a good deal of time begging God to fulfill my selfish desires.

If I truly love God, I will keep no record of wrong. As I am writing this, I find it humorous that I struggle with this particular statement. In my mind I know that God does no wrong. However, I sit here and think about how many times I have reminded Him of how many things He did not do for me, fix for me or how He did me wrong.

If I truly love God I will protect Him. Sound absurd? I mean, does God really need my protection? I believe His heart, His message, and His reputation needs it, yes. How do I begin to protect the heart of God? Well, I believe the first step would be make sure that my actions towards God reflect my words to God. Step two will be to get to know the heart of God better. How do I protect His message? Again, one of the best ways would be to make sure I know that message and to makes sure that my heart, my soul, and my mind reflect that message. And His reputation? Since Christ lives in me, when I behave differently than what I proclaim I help ruin His reputation.

If I truly love God I will always hope in God. If I truly love God, I will always persevere with God.

To better follow the greatest commandment I am hearing the those two verses differently now. “My love for God is patient, kind, is not envious, not boastful or proud. My love for God is not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. My love for God does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. My love for God will always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.” and “My attitude towards God will be that of Christ Jesus: Who, being very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.”

I was late to class

2010-09-06T11:27:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning with no desire to go join my Christ following family in our weekly gathering. This is odd for me because Sunday is my favorite day of the week and I LOVE my particular family gathering. I sat around for about an hour and a half and eventually made the decision to go, though it was a struggle for me. I also knew I needed to go the grocery store because my small group was planning on getting together for a pot luck lunch afterwards and I didn't feel like actually cooking anything.

Eight thirty, therefore, found me in line at McDonalds in my neighborhood Wal Mart purchasing a diet coke to get me going while I shopped. I had to rush around a bit to get what I needed because our Bible Study classes start at 9:30 and I hate being late. At check out, I had 15 minutes to unload my groceries and make the drive to our building, typically an 8 minute drive.

After unloading my bags into my car, I exited the parking lot, singing to a great song on KLOVE, my radio station of choice, and noticed a homeless, handicap man sitting in the grass just off the property holding a sign that said "Homeless and Handicapped. Please Help." As I passed by, he made eye contact with me. And yes, I drove on, like I have many times, past many homeless people in my city and other cities. I felt a twinge of guilt sense I knew I had the means to help him out but I excused that guilt and him by thinking "The food I just bought for lunch our group will need (who was I kidding?) and everything else I bought was really more basic cooking food and supplies than anything he will use. Besides, I am going to be late for class." And so, I kept driving until I came to the next stop light, where I had to sit for, what seemed like, an incredible amount of time. While at that stop light another wonderful song came on KLOVE. I turned the radio up and started singing along, as loudly as I could, not really comprehending the words to the song, partly because my 8 minute drive was now taking longer than 8 minutes and I was gong to be late.

As I made my turn, singing, something stilled in me (read "the Holy Spirit moved in me") and I really began paying attention to the words of the song.

"I will live

To carry your compassion

To love a world that's broken

To be Your hands and feet

I will give

With the life that I'd been given

And go beyond religion

To see the world be changed

By the power of Your"

God has a sense of humor, huh?

I came to the next light and circled back to Wal Mart. I walked in intending to go to McDonald's and buy this man breakfast. I found myself instead walking (again read "the Holy Spirit walked me") to the cooler where they keep the pre-made deli sandwiches. I grabbed a sandwich, a bag of chips and a bottle water. The cashier made the comment "Buying lunch, huh?"

Here, I hesitated. I mean, I was not doing this for recognition. I was doing this because I was convicted by the song and I had Matthew 25:35 "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink..." running constantly through my head after the man made eye contact with me. So I said "Well, not really..." I went on to tell her my story. She seemed stunned but then went on to tell me about a homeless man near her apartment building she had helped recently. She ended by saying "It's just the right thing to do, right?" I responded with "Well, it is what Christ would have done."

I turned and went to McDonald's bought a sausage biscuit and an orange juice (which totaled the exact change I had in my purse...hmmm) and then drove back over to the man. I handed him the bag with his food in it and said "God bless you." He said "I had given up and thought no one in this neighborhood cared. This was just what I needed." I responded with "Well, sir, God cares." or something like that and he looked like he was going to cry. I drove off, almost in tears myself.

I was late to class.

Now, don't read this and respond with "That is so great Ginger!" Or "Wow! You did a wonderful thing." This event obviously had nothing at all to do with me. This had to with God. Remember, I didn't want to go church this morning.

Death of a coworker

2010-01-24T16:48:00.002-06:00

David LeBlanc, a 46 year old coworker from Western National Life Insurance had a heart attack and died last night, January 23, 2010. I "double jacked" with David my first five days at the call center. I got to know him for a brief time and attempted to share Christ with him twice. The second time he made it clear to me that he didn't want to have any discussion about Christ or God or the like. I accepted this and continued to befriend him hoping that eventually he could look to me when he had the need. David recently buried his mother and was in the middle of a divorce. Both circumstance though did seem to bring him a bit more peace and pleasantness than he had ever expressed. He had a positive out look on his future even though he was dreading entering the dating world, or so he told me.

Anyway, all that is to say this. I am undone by his death. I know where the man said he stood with God. I have no one I can express my sympathies to because I did not know his family at all. I feel like grieving and crying and yet I cannot. I will not say the empty words of "At least he in a better place" or "Rest in Peace" for I have no evidence in his life to tell me that either of two statements are true. I am not trying to play God and damn him to hell. I am only speaking the truth that is available to me based upon what little I know of my God and what little I knew of David.

And I don't know how to respond to those people who say those things. I know that there is hidden in there an opportunity to share the truth with those people but it feels forceful and judgmental.

I know God will continue to be gracious and good to me as I struggle through to understand how to bring His truth, His way, His life to this situation. I will seek Him in prayer, in person and in Scripture to see and hear what He needs from me.

Any thoughts?

2009-11-24T15:37:00.003-06:00

Just to have for future refernce. Not thoughts from me.

“…our situation (is) this: we have a jigsaw puzzle in a box, but someone put the wrong lid on the box. We keep trying to use the pictures from the wrong lid as a guide to putting the pieces together. With the wrong picture implanted in our imaginations, some of the colors on the pieces don’t seem to belong, and some shapes don’t fit. We may assume they were include by mistake and push tem to the side, or maybe let them drop off the table edge altogether. And we keep searching for other colors and shapes that we see in the picture on the lid but which for some reason aren’t included in our box of pieces. What do we do? We push more and more unfitting pieces aside. We take out some scissors and colored markers and “adjust” some of the pieces that remain. We do our best to conform the pieces in the box to the picture on the lid. We do the best we can do.

Some people become so disillusioned and frustrated that they throw out the whole thing – pieces, box and all. They give up puzzling altogether. Others decide that it’s the box lid rather than the pieces that determines “orthodoxy” and they zealously defend the lid and bestow on all who dare to question it the labels “heretic” and “apostate.”

Others become uncomfortable with the realization that their loyalty is more to the picture outside the box than to the pieces inside the box. They wonder what would happen if they reversed that loyalty and refused to accept a lid that doesn’t do justice to all the pieces of the box. They refuse to cut corners or alter colors. Eventually they decide the problem isn’t with the pieces – they actually fit together: the problem is with the picture on the lid.”

--Brian McLaren, Everything Must Change

New Art Work

2009-10-12T06:16:00.005-05:00

Our preacher, Brian Mashburn, spent the summer preaching about the Anatomy of God. Our friend, Gregg Paxton, either painted the following paintings while we sang, while Brian preached or one time before the sermon. Jason and I fell in love with the paintings and commissioned him to make us a set suitable for our living room. I LOVE THEM! Oh, and a great story to go with these paintings....three or four weeks after the series ended my second grade class was able to name all nine paintings! God truly gave these two men a great gift and we are so blessed to now have them be a part of whatever home in which we live.

The Ear of God

The Mouth of God

The Eye of God

The Finger of God.

The Heart of God.

The Hands of God

The Mind of God.

The Face of God.

The Nose of God.

12 years

2009-09-22T07:35:00.001-05:00

Jesus tells a parable about a widow who time and again comes to a king begging for justice. Eventually, this king who neither fears God or man gives in and give the woman what she wants because she is so persistent.

Twelve years ago today, I finally gave up and agreed to go on a date with Jason. He asked me on a regular basis since March of 1997 and even though he spent the summer in California and I spent the summer in Austin, he did not let up. This man would write me letters that would go unanswered (thank you, Tarese) and yet, when we returned to OKC, he still asked me out.

I only agreed to go out with him thinking that if I said yes, he would leave me alone. And I only agreed to go out with him on a double date. So his best friend at the time, Tom and one of my girl friends, Tara agreed to go with us.

Our first dat was to the Oklahoma State Fair with the intention of going to a concert there (I don't remember who it was, but Jason will). We hadn't been walking down the fairway more than seven or eight minutes when one man yells out to Jason "Win something for your wife!" I was mortified. We kept walking and ended up at the concert site which was not a pleasent experience.

Some how or another we sat in front of some teenage kids who were smoking. And they weren't just smoking good ole nicotine. No, they were smoking weed. The first act came out and completed a nice set. The lead act came out and he had overnight lost his voice. He played two songs and then excused himself from stage for the rest of the concert. Nice, huh?

As we walked the rest of fairway, Jason did eventually win something for me in a baseball pitching game. We then headed home.

The nice, easy, tidy ending would be that since that first date I was taken by Jason and we have been together since. But come on, you know me, right? I don't do anything nice, easy and tidy do I?

After the date, Jason and I stayed up talking for while. He was still determined as ever that I was who he wanted to be with. I on the other hand was still determined as ever not to date him. Don't get me wrong, I liked Jason. He was sweet, compassionate, and doted on me. However, I had just always assumed for so many reasons that dating/marriage was not my "thing" so why bother. Besides, I had so much to balance between school work, basketball and church I could not see how he could possibly fit into my life.

I don't remember the details the conversation and I don't think Jason does either (I consider that one of the many ways God has been gracious to us) but I do know that I said some hurtful things and he responded in kind.

The problem was that following weekend we had both signed up to attend a church retreat. I was hoping that Jason would decide since I was going he would not but being the stubborn man that he was he was determined to go enjoy the retreat anyway. Again, I don't quite remember details (Jason does), but the van ride to the retreat was uncomfortable.

All of our friends had decided that the two of us were should be dating and they pretty much all spent the retreat weekend trying to convince of us this. I remember one conversation with Tom, Cedric and Anthony that lasted long into the night. It was that conversation that turned me around and convinced me that I needed to give this man a chance.

Years later those three men would stand as witnesses in our wedding.

The past 12 years have been a whirlwind. Our relationship has included miles of distance between us, hundreds of basketball games, miles traveled cross country together, more than 70 kids, a couple of very hard funerals and the ups and downs that come with marriage.

Recently in the course of one of our Bible Classes at church, we were challenged by our preacher to find out the meaning of our names. I think the defintions of our names shows how Jason and I were made for each other.

My name means "Pure Archer".
His name means "Healing Brave"

I thank God on daily basis for Jason being persistent in pursuing me. I thank God that we had friends who were willing to fight for a relationship for us even when we had both determined it was not going to happen (okay, me more than him).

Thank you, Jason, for an amazing 12 years of life together. I pray that God grant us dozens and dozens more. I love you!

Sitting with "Tammy"

2009-04-22T21:10:00.003-05:00

I had the privilege of sitting with a "special needs child", whom I will call "Tammy". She is nine. I am not at all familiar with this child, her disablity, her family situation or anything about her. I was asked to sit with her so that her parents could attend a class we have at our church for parents with special needs children. This is a great blessing to these parents as it allows them time to connect, learn, talk, and just be with others who are having the same struggles they have. So, when I was asked to go sitting with Tammy, I immediatly said yes.

In this quite little room, Tammy and I sat watching Dumbo. Tammy's brother was there, reading a book. He acknowledged my presence but stayed very focused on his book. Tammy made eye contact with me, smiled and turned around. I opened my Bible with the intention of reading Luke. However, I was easily distracted by Tammy and her interaction with the movie on the small TV.

You see, I was in Tammy's world. My presence there was of no consequence to her. This movie was on a for many puroses but as with most 9 year old children who have seen a movie more than twice, she was almost constantly doing something else - playing with toys, wandering the room, messing with the clock- while watching Dumbo. It was obvious that this is a movie Tammy watches on a very regular basis. She would quote pieces of the movie about 1/2 a word ahead of the movie. That was not the interesting part. She had control of the VCR (yes, we were watching a VHS tape, crazy, I know). And I became intruiged in watching her rewind this movie. There were times that she would rewind the movie for the sounds the animals or people would make. She would imitate these sounds. This would probably be considered "normal" for many children, especially one with special needs. It was the other times she rewound the tapes that took me by surprise and made me think.

The first time she rewound the video, it was watch Dumbo, who had just gotten out of the tub, dance and play with his mother looking on lovingly. We watched this scene three times. She sat quietly, contenedly and still all three times.

The next time she rewound the tape was when Dumbo's mom "goes mad" because the kids at the circus are picking on Dumbo. Seven times, count them seven times, she hit the rewind button to watch as one little boy was yanked back, bent over the ropes and spanked by Dumbo's mother. Again, she sat still, quietly watching the TV each time.

A few minutes later, Tammy rewound the tape as the adult elephants were ignoring Dumbo. This time, though, Tammy pointedly immitated Dumbo's sadness and loneliness.

And finally, as Dumbo triumphately flies over the circus, disrubting the clowns routine and shooting peanuts at the adult elephants. Again, she imitated Dumbo "flying" the elephant in her hand around the room. As she did her circles each time, she very clearly made eye contact with me and gave me a big smile (and that was just an added blessing).

Interestingly, there were two parts she skipped, neither of which I blame her for. The first is after Dumbo drink the alcohol tainted water. Yes, Dumbo and his pal, Timothy mouse are slightly inibriated and hallucinating. It is a bit scary and kind of creepy if you really watch it. But again, this is the part she fast fowarded through. The other part she skipped was when the birds are making fun of the him and being mean and ugly to him. During both these times, while she was distracting herself with toys and such, she was also imitating some of Dumbo's reactions in these scenes.

Do I need to point out how her heart was very much expressed and protected in these scenes? Do I need to point how this child is obviously relating to the "underdog", Dumbo? Should I reveal how deep down, I too enjoyed watching those same parts over and over again because there was a since of justice? Or how I too wanted to imitate Dumbo and his sadness? And how I long to fly over the clowns and be the star of show, triumphing over all who said I would be nothing?

"...I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

I love you

2009-02-15T14:57:00.000-06:00

God is love.

Simple enough, yes? But as I was sitting in worship service this morning, hearing this statement, a statement I have heard my entire life, it took on a deeper meaning for me.

God is love. That becomes more difficult to grasp as I attempt to merge my concept of God and my concept of love. God is so complex, so diverse, so deep He alone is difficult, if not impossible to wrap my brain around. And love? In the society, the culture, the family I grew up in, love has so many different meanings it can become impossible to figure out which meaning applies to God. But as I let that simple three word sentence penetrate to the depths of my soul, I begin to wonder if I don’t have it all wrong. Maybe my thinking is backwards. Maybe instead of applying my definitions of love to a God I don’t understand, maybe what I need to do is discard all my definitions of love altogether and apply to my life the only definition of love that matters: God’s.

Given the complexities of God, it would seem like that would be a difficult thing to do. However, God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, gave us a very human example of Himself in the form of Christ. He gave my small, inadequate, human mind something tangible, something I can actually get.

So, I have a tangible expression of God’s love for me. What did Christ do? He gave everything He had, everything He was to make it possible for me know the God. That is the good news of the gospel. That is what brings peace, joy and hope to my daily life. This is not news to me, however, today, a deeper understanding was revealed.

I am going to in my head, change what I say, what I mean, when I say “I love you.” When I make that statement, what will now be heard in my head is “I Christ you.” Okay, okay, I know the grammar is horrible but think about that statement just for a brief minute and hear the implications deep in your soul. What is really being said in that statement is this: “I would give all that I am and all that I have for you to know God.” Is that not the truest expression of love? 1 John 4:10 read “This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” Jesus’ sacrifice was not just some ritual to fulfill the blood thirst of a vengeful, angry God. No, His sacrifice, His entire life, was for the purpose of letting us have access to and an intimate relationship with God.

So, before you say “I love you” the next time take a minute and consider do you really? Would you really give all that you have, all that you are so that the person you are talking to might know God? If not, why not? Remember what Romans 5:8 says before you heap judgment and condemnation upon that person. “…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” If you can say, yes then ask yourself this-do I live that way to this person?

Temporarily Closed

2008-10-04T01:52:00.002-05:00

Just an FYI...This blog will be temporarily closed. Life is up in the air for the time being. Check back ever so often to see updates. But don't expect one any time soon. You are welcome to leave a comment but it will more than likely remained unchecked for the time being.

God bless.
Ginger

Awful, Horrible Day

2008-09-30T13:02:00.002-05:00

I have had the worst morning ever. If you want to know the details, ask and I will email you personally. Otherwise just know that it was downright horrible.

Stale

2008-09-25T16:09:00.001-05:00

I was describing my spiritual life to someone earlier today. The word that came to mind...stale.

Now what?

Update on Aunt Jeanette

2008-09-19T07:42:00.010-05:00

The family was advised on Tuesday to give Aunt Jeanette's body at least 48 hours to attempt to heal itself. This was done. However, there had been no change in brain wave activity or heart beat in that amount of time. It was decided yesterday evening about 8:00 pm to take her off the respirator. She was given a morphine drip to stop any pain and some sort of IV with fluids and substance to stop her from starving to death. She stayed in that state for 11 and a half hours. Surrounded by many in her earthly famiy, Jeanette Chandler drifted from this earth and was welcomed home by her eternal family today at 7:30 am.

I grieve not for her loss but for my grandmother's, my uncle's, my mom and her siblings, my sister, my cousins and myself. I grieve for the great nieces and nephews that will not know her here on this earth. But I rejoice in her victory. I rejoice that she is with my unlce Bill whom she has seen in over fifteen years. I rejoice because she will be reunited with many others she loved that have gone on before her. I rejoice in the fact she will meet new people in my great cloud of witness that she did not know here on this earth and be reunited with those she did-Shannon, Uncle Bill, Uncle Wilson, Aunt Evelyn, Stacy, Nathan, Aunt Elsie, Papa Cearly, Grandma Leer, Popkins. I rejoice because she ran "with perseverance the race marked out for" her and in that running she touched many lives. I am blessed to have known Jeanette Chandler. And now, throwing "off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" me, I will continue to "run with perseverance the race marked out for" me while fixing my on "eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of [my] faith..." (Hebrews 12:1,2) so that one day, when the victory over death is mine (1 Corinthians 15:54), I will be reunited with my Aunt Jeanette as my Father welcomes me home.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and lifting my family up in prayer as we grieve our loss. Our pain is made easier to handle knowing our names are being placed at the Father's feet.

My great aunt

2008-09-16T10:01:00.004-05:00

My Aunt Jeanette has had a strong influence on my life.

She and my uncle were childless and doted on her siblings children and grandchildren as if they and we were their own. It was always a great treat to go to their house and hang out with her and Uncle Bill.

My aunt was at every Christmas we spent in Kentucky. She was at many that we spent at home in Austin. She was at many New Years Eve Parties. She always sent me a birthday card.

My Aunt Jeanette was present when I was baptized. She told me that day that I made smartest decision of my life and every decision I made from then should be made with this event ever present.

After my uncle Bill died about fifteen years ago, she and my grandmother (already a widow for sixteen years or so) began traveling on a regular basis. First they followed my cousin as he raced four wheelers. We attended one race with them and the looks people gave them were down right hysterical. These two gray haired women yelled louder and harder than most of the fans combined. Always the dedicated Kentucky Wildcat fan, they soon began following the basketball team to tournament games. Again, these two ladies put more energy into cheering for their team than all those around.

Actually, my Aunt Jeanette is one of the reasons I ended up marrying Jason. Jason and I had been dating about two months when I flew to Nashville with the basketball team for a tournament. My grandmother and Aunt Jeanette picked me up and hung out with me. We went to dinner and the next day we went shopping. I told them a little bit about Jason and we spent the shopping day looking for a Christmas present for him. If I am not mistaken, we ended up finding him a belt buckle with the letter "J" on it. Before I went back to Oklahoma, Aunt Jeanette said "You treat him right now you hear. You will marry this man." I think Aunt Jeanette liked Jason then but fell in love with Jason after meeting him in San Antonio, Texas at the Final Four. Kentucky was in it, so my grandmother and Aunt made the trip. Jason was very brave and had to meet all of my family for the first time that trip and many, many times, I would catch Aunt Jeanette watching the two of us, a huge smile on her face. Before we left to return to OKC, Aunt Jeanette pulled me aside again and assured me that I had found my mate for life. Years later, when Jason and I got married, Aunt Jeanette was extremely happy for us. Her blessing: "I hope you and Jason find as much joy, fun and happiness in your marriage as your Uncle Bill and I did in ours." It is that blessing that I have sought after in my marriage and it is that blessing that I have passed on to numerous friends.

Late in life, Aunt Jeanette started painting. She was truly amazing and it took us years to convince her that people would actually pay money for her work. The first time Jason visited my family in Kentucky, he walked out of Aunt Jeanette's house with a mountain cabin scene she just happened to have laying on her bed. Our wedding gift from her is a beautiful painting of a snowy mountain scene, with a small village in the background and a wolf in the foreground. She painted it specifically for me and Jason. It hangs above our bed and I have always been very proud to show it off (if you have ever been to my house, you will know this).

My great aunt Jeanette is currently laying in a hospital bed, breathing with the aid of a respirator. She has diabetes. She recently started dialysis. She has had (at least) three heart attacks. She has been in and out of the hospital more times than I know of in the past two years. She is dying and I am okay with that, sort of. I am okay with that for her because she will go home to be with our Father and see her husband, Bill, who has been gone for over 16 years now. I am okay with that because I don't want her to suffer anymore. I am okay with that because I understand that someday, I will get to see her again and she will be the vibrant, joyful, beautiful, amazing woman I remember as I was growing up.

I am not okay with her dying because she is leaving us behind. I am not okay with her dying because grandmother's best friend is dying and I hurt for my grandmother's loss. I am not okay with it because it will be very painful for her brother, Sonny, my mom, my uncle Steve, my aunt Lori, my aunt Lisa, my sister, Lockie and my cousins, Brent, Candice, and Chris.

As I look back over my 32 years, Aunt Jeanette was there for many more events than I have shared here. It is unbelievable to me that she was such a constant presence in my life since I have never lived closer than 9 hours away and at times as far as 28 hours away from where she lived all my life.

I know and believe fully that death for the follower of Christ is not a tragedy but a victory. And for those of us left behind, the separation is only temporary. I am at peace in knowing that Aunt Jeanette will be added to my cloud of witness. I am still in pain.

Bad Monday

2008-09-16T07:14:00.002-05:00

After the weekend I had, I should have known that things were not going to go well on Monday. We have had a situation looming over us for about 7 months now and we thought we were going to be able to come to a resolution on Monday. However, that is not what has happened. Now it is looking like maybe the situation will begin to get resolved sometime in the middle of October. While God was faithful in providing support, strength and control I still don't like how the situation has played out. We will be walking a difficult road over the next few months, one more difficult than before, honestly and again, God is providing people to walk that road with us. Still, it does not make it any easier or fun.

I covet your prayer over the next six weeks as we journey. A few of you who read this may know some of the details but honestly, the details are irrelevant. The prayers I am asking for are strength, forgiveness, peace and the vision to see God's presence in all of this. And those prayers are not just for me. I want that for all those involved. Thank you ahead of time for laying this request at the feet of our Master and Father.

Easy Weekend

2008-09-14T08:28:00.003-05:00

So this weekend has been so easy. Three of my four high school girls went on the church retreat at 5:45 pm on Friday night. After dropping them off, I went home, and those that were left (4 kids, me and Jason) grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed to the high school homecoming football game. Saturday morning, me and the girls got up and went to the state fair parade then came home and chilled until the tailgate party we were all invited to by the WT Bible Chair group. We sat at the football game until half time (WT was beating Azusa-Pacific something like 45 to 6) and then came home. The high schooler return home at noon today. Jason went to lunch with a friend of his who was passing through town and the guy felt bad that he was disturbing our day. Jason said "We have four kids at home. One of us could do this in our sleep." So very true. Four kids is nothing anymore.

On the parade note, it was so cool to see people we knew in the parade. All of them were from church. I posted pictures for people who go to our church and read the blog. They don't actually include any of my kids. That and I have a funny story to share about the last photo.

Our friend Andy walking with her softball team.

Our friend Katelyn marching with her band. Not the greatest picture, I know.

Our friend Jessica skating with the Panhandle Christian Education Association.

Our young friend and preacher's son, Shade, riding with his BMX crew.

Our preacher and friend, Brian, riding with the BMX crew.

Okay, so Brian stops and gives all of us a hug and we chat for a minute or so (Their group was one of the last groups so it didn't really matter much). There was a nice couple that was sitting behind us and we had been conversing back and forth about random things. She made a comment about how nice that family seemed and asked how we knew them. I told her that Brian was our preacher. "Uh...really? Like your head pastor or some sort of associate?" I told her that he was our full time pulpit preacher. She asked where and I told her. She seemed slightly apprehensive and it was like she couldn't believe me. She asked again "Like he preaches every Sunday?" I told her yes and she said "Wow." I was very unsure how to read her on what she thought but it was funny.

9/11

2008-09-11T06:52:00.002-05:00

If you were in any affected by the events that happened 7 years ago today, my prayer is that God has made His presence in your life and that you have found peace and comfort that only He can provide.

We will not forget.

Hurt

2008-09-09T19:37:00.002-05:00

I have had one of those weeks where my eyes have (unwillingly) been opened the pain, hurt and destruction that Satan continously dumps on this world. Goodness knows that in so many ways, due to the life that Jason and I are living, the reality that he is involved, active and present is always in my face. However, once I get involved in the daily routine of raising kids and being married, I am usually able to completely ignore that fact and usually, his presence. But starting last Wednesday, there has been a daily reminder. And in all honesty, I am tired of it. I long for the day that those in my life will no longer have the pain, hurt, sickness, diseases, and destruction to deal with.

Until then, my prayer is will be that as I see Satan's interference, agony and harm inflicted on this world, I will be made even more aware of God's presence and power and reminded that eventually Satan has lost and Christ is the victor.

If you are one of the many who has shared with me your story this week, please find comfort in knowing you are in my prayers by name throughout each day. Please know that God is control, Jesus is present and the Holy Spirit will comfort you.

Vacation

2008-09-03T21:58:00.003-05:00

Blew a tire in Gallup, New Mexico.

Replaced in Farmington, New Mexico.

Arrived in La Salle, Utah around 9 p.m. to discover that they had one gas pump that closed at 6 pm.

Dropped the trailer in Paradox, Utah to drive to Naturita, Colorado to fill with gas. Slept on the side of the road in Paradox, Utah that night.

Almost got the trailer stuck 2 times due to bad roads. Finally set up camp.

Horrible, difficult, painful hunting.

Moved camp to a different mountain range.

Nail in new trailer tire. Two other tires begin to seperate and show signs that they will blow out.

Replaced tires in Moab, Utah, headed to Monticello, Utah.

Trailer almost stuck on mountain due to bad roads.

Table broken in setting up camp.

Tub faucet broken in attempting to fix water leak.

Wind storm almost destoryed awning on trailer.

Wind storm severely damaged brand new pop up tent and a brand new tarp.

Mud tires on truck begin falling apart and cause possible blow out type situation.

Hunting better but still not great. No bucks killed.

Okay, for some reason, as I tell the story of our vacation, people want to laugh. I am really glad people find it humorous. No really, I am. However, it was by far, the worst vacation Jason and I have ever been on. Period.

We did make each other come up with blessings from the trip. Here is that brief list:
1. Through it all, I got to miserable with my husband. I wouldn't want to be that miserable with anyone else. Oh, and no one else would have been willing to be that miserable with me.
2. Through it all, we witnessed God's splendor, beauty and power. We saw hundreds of deer, a few that wer just beyond beautiful. We saw lots of turkey and elk. We even saw albino fawn (couldn't get a picture of it).
3. We both completed hikes that were extremely difficult and challenging. It reminded me that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strenght" (Phil 4:13). There were two different times that if I had only to rely on my strength, I would still be on one of those mountains.
4. I got to watch Jason stalk some very big bucks. It was very cool.
5. We met some really cool people who were camped around us and were able to be a blessing to them.
6. We made it home safely without any extreme bodily harm (we are both very sore and are feeling our age if not older) and without damage to our property that will require major work, renovation or loss of property altogether.

Warning! Please read

2008-08-19T09:06:00.003-05:00

This is a public service announcement:

The Mr. Clean Magic Eraser has the potential to turn a normally sane person into Danny Tanner from Full House

Thank you. You may return to your normal, everyday activities.

Gettin' ready to leave

2008-08-18T07:14:00.002-05:00

So, Wednesday, August 20, Jason and I are leaving for my hunt. We will be in Utah for about 12 days, camping in the mountains and hunting until we both tag out. That of course means I will not have internet access for that amount of time but upon returning you will be able to read all about, if you have the patience.

Happy Birthday

2008-08-04T11:24:00.000-05:00

So, My husband stops by my blog periodically so I thought I would take this time to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU!

Works for me

2008-08-01T11:35:00.002-05:00

So, I am all for punishing criminals for their crimes but I do think this is a very appropriate response from a very good man. Thanks, Amy for sharing this story.

"I will not vandalize other people's property"

Tye Dying

2008-07-30T14:32:00.004-05:00

The girls and I tye dyed t-shirts last night. We had a great time though our hands are slightly stained still.

Aubi, Misty, Kayla and Kasi tye dye their shirts

The group photo

Charmonta and Misty

Kayla and Kasi

Presious and Aubi

Leslie and Amber

Me and Jason

My new slogan derived from Amy's blog comment.

Agreements

2008-07-28T21:34:00.002-05:00

Agreements.

That was the subject of our preacher’s sermon this week. Agreements we make with the Enemy. Not agreements like “I will give you my soul if…” But agreements that rob us of the freedom and abundant life that Christ came to give us. At the end of his lesson, he gave us time to think about the agreements we have made. Not that I needed a lot of time to do that. Sadly, I know exactly what agreements I live under and until this past Sunday, I was okay with that. However, listening to Brian talk made me realize how absolutely ridiculous it is to live with these agreements. They are pretty unreasonable, stressful, burdensome and draining. So now, I am going to attempt to let go of the following agreements.

At one point of time I agreed that it was my responsibility to make sure those I cared about were right with God. As a child and teenager, this included my best friend, who happened to be a member of another denomination different than mine, and my step father. In college, this included the group of friends I hung out with as well as a few people who were struggling deeply with some very serious identity issues. As a young adult, I added to this list my husband and some members of his family. As a houseparent, I added all of my kids which now numbers somewhere in the 80s (not millions, Amy). As people are added to this list, no one is ever taken off. It is not as stretch to say that about 50% of these people are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Now, on the surface, praying for them does not seem to be a bad thing. I have found though that my prayer time is not very refreshing, giving or effective because I spend so much of my time asking and pleading rather than praising and giving thanks.

I also agreed to believe that by being religious, things in my life would fix themselves. This has never been proven true, ever, and yet, I still find myself thinking, “If I read my Bible, go to church, etc then I will avoid the problems I have seen so many other people have.” Yeah. To put it mildly this has never happened.

Ever since I can remember, I have lived with the belief that everyone will leave me and/or disappointment me. That pattern can be seen in my life. However, the contrary is also very clear in my life. I have a friend I have known since I was about 6 years old and we talk on a regular basis. My mother has always been there for me. Period. There is a great family whom I claim as my own that I have known since I was about fourteen and for some reason, they claim me as well. My college friends are some of my best friends and though a few of us have scattered around the country/world, they are still there for me. My husband has made being in a marriage a wonderful experience and we have been married far longer than I ever thought I would actually be married (because statistically speaking, I shouldn’t be married still and I tend to believe most statistics).

If I were a “normal” parent, most people wouldn’t argue with me on the next agreement. However, I am anything but a “normal” parent. Still I agree that my kids’ behavior/attitudes/spiritual choices are a direct reflection of me and my parenting skills. Forget the fact that my kids come to me with a ton of baggage and most of the time they have very few social skills. It is still all my fault.

I also live under the assumption that my kids’ negative behavior is a direct attack on me and done purposefully to make me angry or upset me. Therefore, when my kids do something that is wrong, I react quite quickly in anger and respond as if it is a personal attack. Very rarely is there is love or teaching in my response to my kids poor choices or negative behavior.

The final one I think is very hard to put into words unless you attend our worship services. The life that we are being called to by our elders and ministers is biblically sound, holy, and pleasing to God . However, I live under the understanding that to let go of the past way of living out my faith and live that life instead would be a rejection of my heritage and faith and thus wrong. Therefore, I am convinced that I shouldn’t really change.

And that last reason of course gives me the justification I need to continue to live under the previous agreements.

The Enemy is really good, huh?

Pictures from vacation trip

2008-07-26T08:26:00.006-05:00

Here are some of the 161 pictures I took on our vacation with the kids. We had a good time. I would highly recommend the US Olympic Training Center to anyone who goes to Colorado Springs, especially in a Summer Olympic year. We were lucky enough to get to see the Men's Gymnastic Team compete in an intersquad challenge. That was beyond cool! I wish we could have had more time at the US Air Force Academy. Bot of those were free as was a trip through the Garden of the Gods. Pikes Peak took my breath away (and not just because it was such thin air). I will be forever amazed that God allows us to witness His creative nature and amazing power. The tea was in interesting experience to saw the least. I would do it again in a heart beat but I don't think most of the girls would. Tent camping is getting harder as I get older and less in shape but the kids did a lot better than I expected them to. Okay, enjoy the pictures.

The girls in front of a statute at the US Olympic Training Center

Wrestlers practicing at US Olympic Center

The swimming pool at the US Olympic Training Center. Okay, one interseting fact that I have to share. They only empty this pool once every four years while the athletes are at the Olympics because it takes something like four weeks to drain it and 8 hours to fill it.

The family a the US Olympic Training Center

I have never seen a Komodo Dragon. It was kinda cool.

Three of the girls play with an orangutan

One of my girls plays with the baby lowland gorilla

The bird crawled onto the stick that had food. I thought she was going to freak out and drop the stick at first.

And of course, a giraffe.

Our group at Pikes Peak Sign

The girls in the group being silly

Can you figure out why I took this picture?

Me and Jason on a rock in the Garden of the Gods

At Tea

Back from vacation

2008-07-24T13:48:00.005-05:00

A quick run down of what we did with pictures to come later:
Saturday-Olympic Training Center, set up camp
Sunday-Zoo, hung out at camp swimming
Monday-Air Force Academy, back to school clothes shopping
Tuesday-Waterworld
Wednesday-Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods, Glen Eyrie Public Tea, drove home

Fast and furious to say the least but we had a great time.

More later.

On vacation

2008-07-18T23:01:00.002-05:00

Jason and I are headed to Colorado Springs with the kids for a family vacation. We will be going to the Olympic Training Center, The Air Force Academy, the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, The Outlet mall, Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods, Water World and Glen Erie Castle. Overnights will be spent at a camp ground in tents. Pray for us! And check back at the end of July for an update. BYE!

California Trip

2008-07-10T12:37:00.007-05:00

So, Jason and I spent almost a week with his family in California. We had a good time but we were glad to get home. Most days were in the upper, upper 90s and lower 100s which made it fairly difficult to enjoy being outside and even inside the ACs had to work really hard to make it comfortable.

We spent the 4th of July at my sister-in-law's house, swimming and eating ourselve's silly. Then we went to my mother-in-law's church parking lot to watch fireworks. It was a really a very pleasant day all around.

Josh playing with a ball from the pool.

Josh and Kristen playing with sparklers

Our niece, Stephanie, had a fast pitch softball tournament so we spent quite a bit of time out at the ball park. It was fun even though they lost 2 of 3. They are usually better than that and Stephanie was really upset that they didn't play better for us. It was really fun anyway.

Kristen listening to conversations at the ball park.

Josh and Jason playing.

Stephanie at bat.

The kids have grown so much it is amazing. Stephanie is sixteen and will be driving on her own in August. Kristen is almost 12 and is beautiful. Josh is 3 and is about the size of the average 5 year old. They are all wonderful, loving, respectful and kind kids. It was an absolute blast to be with them. These pictures weren't taken this weekend but I still had to show them off.

Josh, age 3

Kristen, age 11

Stephanie, age 16

In Sacramento, Jason and I stopped at The Squeeze Inn, a great little dive we saw on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. It was really good and totally worth the trip. If you are ever in Sac, check it out.

Jason and Me outside the Squeeze Inn

Our cook was pretty much in arms reach of us.

These burgers were huge!

On our plane ride home, we had four warm weather penguins flying back to their zoo. Their handler took one out and walked up and down the isle with it. It was really cool.

Alright, that is all for now.

Being held through Satan's temptations

2008-06-12T07:57:00.005-05:00

At church, in our class, we are discussing what our missionary purpose is. While Jason and I have no doubt that we are following God's plan for our lives right now, I am trying to formulate a "mission statement." You might think that after following that mission for six years now, I would have a good idea as to what that mission statement should look like. However, you would be wrong. I only seem to have a very vague notion and that is really sort frustrating on some levels. What I really need to do is spend some time in prayer/journaling with God. I could list the many reasons I have not done that yet but they are all just lame, selfish excuses that sound pretty petty and very self centered so I will keep those to myself. However, I will publically confess that I am in a very selfish mood right now and I am really having to fight hourly to stay out of it, though there are plenty of hours the battle is lost. But God is so very gracious and is continuing to hold me firmly in grasp. And for that I praise Him.

One of the ways God is showing me His patience, faithful and wisdon is by having two songs play almost non stop in my head. The first song, by Horation Spafford , is It Is Well With My Soul. Growing up, I always sang only three verses to that song. Well, apparently, there are two or three more verses. It is Spafford's second verse that has really taken a hold of me and makes the song so much more powerful and congruent. The other song, You Never Let Go, written by Matt Redman, has been speaking peace, truth and freedom to me since March. While there are times that I find this continous play track annoying, I am truly greatful that He is so kind as to put these songs in my head. There have been plenty times when I have wanted to be very selfish that one of these songs has popped into my mind and I have been able to make a different choice. Along the same line, there have been plenty times when I have made that selfish decision and I am feeling worthless, wretched and weak that one of these songs has broken through the walls that I erected and given me peace in knowing that I am secured in His hands.

I am so luck to serve a mighty, wonderful, faithful, patient and loving God.

Humbled

2008-06-09T22:27:00.009-05:00

We are blessed to a have a small but wonderful group from Nebraska here. We were having a devotional with them and their youth minister, Phil, after reading the story of Moses and the scripture that says something like "God will fight for you" asked the question "do you ever feel like God is fighting for you?" A few kids gave some answers like "When I am scared" or "everyday." One little boy, raises his hand and patiently waits to be called on. Now this little boy is everything little sounds like. He is six and slightly undersized for his age. When he falls down, something obviously was broken because he lets out a death scream. He doesn't ever really seem to be paying attention but is very age appropriate, all of five years old. Okay, now back to the devotional. A few other kids throw out a few more answers while this little boy continues to raise his hand. Finally, one of my coworkers says "He has something to say" and points at this little boy. Phil says "Okay, go ahead." The little boy looks up at Phil and says "When your daddy is fighting with your mommy."

As if that wasn't enough, when Phil asked for one last song suggestion, this same little boy says "Nothing but the blood of Jesus."

Mark 10:15 "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

Umm...No.

2008-06-09T22:14:00.004-05:00

That, Ladies and gentlemen will be the answer that is given if I am asked to go hiking out a Palo Duro Canyon. And here, is why...

A late Mother's Day Gift

2008-05-29T08:20:00.003-05:00

One of my girls drew me this beautiful picture using charcoal for Mother's Day. However, until recently, it was on display at the district office and she was finally able to bring it home. Amazing, huh?

Camping Trip

2008-05-29T07:34:00.011-05:00

Jason and I went on a camping this past week. Here are a few excerpts and pictuers from the journal I kept. Just a fair warning, it is kind of a long post. Enjoy:

Day One, Wednesday, May 21
Jason and I had a some good conversations regarding the kids and then politics. Conversation died and I started reading…who am I kidding, I fell asleep...about 8:30 p.m. Texas time, we were finally at camp. It took about an hour to set up at which time I was able to cook us dinner. We both had a bell pepper, onion, bacon and cheese omelet, 2 pieces of bacon, and some fry bread. It was delicious. At 10:30 p.m., we headed to bed. What a long day! But we are both so excited to be here, together and alone, not having to worry about anything besides each other and relaxing. Oh, yeah, during our drive, we saw a large herd of elk, a separate herd of six bull elk in velvet, a few scattered deer, a grouse, a wild turkey and a bunny rabbit.

Day Two, Thursday, May 22
...headed out to go fishing at Monument Lake. On the way out of the park, we spotted a nice looking big horn sheep and a young big horn sheep. The young one was really white and other one looked like he had some years on him. His horns almost made a full curl. When we arrived at Monument Lake, we discovered that they have all types of facilities available from primitive campsites, to full RV hookups, cabins and a motel. They even have a game/laundry room, a restaurant and a store. The prices for the primitive campsites are reasonable and we decided that if someone shows up insisting that we pay to continue to stay here, we will probably move down there. A park pass if $5.50 to be able to fish for the day, so we paid it and found a good spot to fish.

I didn’t have any luck catching fish, Jason, however caught 2. The first one he caught, he let Sadie play with. It was so funny. She would nip at a little bit and then back away. She kept trying to take it by the tail which really didn’t help her much. She finally got it by the top fin and carried about 4 feet away from where Jason had it. She tried nibbling on it for a second or two but the fish kept flopping around in her mouth so she finally gave up.

It was windy, rainy and just plain ugly out, so we decided to head back to the trailer and have some lunch...We spotted a nice herd of cow elk totaling about 54 if our count was correct. It also included a young spike elk who is was still in hard horn which really confused us. We also saw a cow elk all alone. We spotted quite a few deer as well. We ended up back at the trailer a little later than we anticipated and I had to wait on Jason to clean the fish before I could cook dinner. We had homemade mashed potatoes and wild hog/venison sausage with a salad and fry bread. We were both very skeptical about the sausage but all in all it was really good...It snowed/sleeted/rained off and on all day. We had maybe an three hours of good sunshine but even then, the wind was blowing cold and you could see the dark clouds looming over head.

Day Three, Friday, May 23
I made us both a sausage, egg and cheese burrito (mine also had left over mashed potatoes) and a glass of orange juice and sent him on a hike for a few hours. While he was gone, I did the dishes and took sponge bath while washing my hair. I attempted to lay out on the hammock, but snow once again prevented me from enjoying being outside...The camp host stopped by and made conversation for a few minutes but said he was not putting up signs any time soon and not to worry about it anyone came asking if we had paid. He said he would let us know if he needed us to pay or whatever...We drove around for while and eventually ended up at North Lake. We were both pretty cynical about fishing this lake because they required that you only use flies or fake lures-no bait. Jason reset my pole and I started fishing. On my third cast, I caught a fish. Jason took it off the hook for me and put it on the stringer. I cast three or four more times and caught another on. This time Jason, who had not even left the truck threw the needle nose pliers down at me with a look of disgust indicating that I was to take care of that one all by myself. With in twenty minutes, I had caught three fish and Jason had lost two. I started wondering up and down the shore for the next hour, in which I caught one more and Jason caught one more. Once again, it started sleeting and the wind started blowing, so I decided I was done fishing for the time being. Jason decided he was too and we loaded up the truck. We ran to the bathroom and by the time we were done (it took all of about two minutes) the storm had started to pass...About half a mile from the lake, we started seeing deer. We drove less than two miles and saw a total of 26 deer. We also found our lone cow elk as well. We returned to the trailer and located our herd of big horn sheep. The oldest one of the group was perched on this rock overlook. We watched them for about ten minutes and then made our way back to the trailer.

We have a few more neighbors than before, they are all in tents though, poor souls. Dinner was chicken fried venison, cream gravy, macaroni and cheese, corn, salad and fry bread. It was the best cream gravy I have made it a long time.

Day Four, Saturday, May 24
On the way to the area we wanted to hike, we spotted the big horn sheep again. They were down a lot farther than they had been previously and Jason decided he wanted to see how close he could get. He was gone for about 20 minutes and was excited to end up 16 yards from them...After hiking, we headed to fish. Jason decided he wanted few new lures to fish North Lake so we went to Stonewall, the little store we stopped at yesterday. They have a restaurant there and to treat me, Jason bought us lunch. We both had Elk Burgers and fries. It was okay but not the best burger ever. Jason found our waitress quite annoying. Jason bought a package of flies, and a new lure. I found this little sign that was really cool. It says “God sees us for what we could be but loves us as we are.” It was cheap so Jason bought that for me as well. We drove back over to North Lake and fished for a while. Jason had some luck, but again, the weather was miserable and uncooperative-windy and very cold

...Blue Lake had a few fisherman already there. Within the first fifteen minutes Jason caught some fish but I was completely unsuccessful. I was also fairly miserable. It was about 10 degrees colder at Blue Lake than at the campsite and the wind was blowing....all in all we ended up seeing a large herd of elk in the distance and about 15 elk on the roadside. They had either just crossed the road or were about to do so. We also saw 6 deer. After I took the turn to camp, we had one large bull elk cross the road in the headlights about 40 yards in front of us.

Day Five, Sunday, May 25
I was really tired and before we even made it off the dirt road onto the highway, I was asleep. Jason needed gas and decided to make a trip to Cuchura since I was sleeping so well. However, he discovered that they don’t have a gas station so he had to drive on to La Veta. When he pulled into the gas station, I woke up...The ice had melted off of Bear Lake which really surprised us. The fishing was horrible. Neither of us got a bite. In fact of the 10 or so people fishing on the lake, only one guy who was fly fishing was catching anything. We moved back down to Blue Lake and pretty much had the same experience. After about 2 and a half hours of sitting in the wind (thankfully the snow/sleet/rain combo has gone away) with lines in the water and not getting anything, we decided to head down and see what North Lake looked like...

Day Six, Monday, May 26 (our seventh year anniversary)
Jason and I both only sort of woke up around 6:45 and Jason immediate said “happy anniversary.” I responded and we both rolled over and went back to sleep. I slept for another 30 minutes or so and then got up and went and laid out on the hammock. It was wonderful. Jason woke up around 8:30 and we heated up the sausage biscuits and headed out to go fishing and Monument. On the way out, we spotted three of the big horn sheep. We paid the $5.50 for the park pass Monument and headed over to “the Texas fishing hole.” I caught one pretty quick and then we both sat for a while before Jason caught two. I switched bait and the fish immediately started slamming the line. We caught our limit and came back to the trailer...I laid in the hammock and read my book while Jason played with Sadie. He also found great entertainment in seeing how far he could swing me back and forth in the hammock before I fell out or became hysterical. I became hysterical before I could fall out of the hammock...

We had an early dinner of beef tenderloin (cooked on the grill perfectly by me), ranch style beans, stuffing, salad and fry bread. We ended up eating outside on the provided picnic table because it was way too hot in the trailer. It was a beautiful day to do that...We headed over to the Farely overlook and after the turn spotted a group of five bull elk. Driving up the rode farther to turn around, Jason spotted the most beautiful bull elk we have seen all week. In velvet, he had already grown both eye guards, his thirds and his antlers were splitting for his fourth and fifth points. Jason figures come hunting season he will more than likely be a large six or seven point. He was also very cooperative and gave Jason some great opportunities for pictures. All in all, the animal count for the day was 66 elk, 13 deer and five sheep as well as the eight fish we caught and the three that got away on the shoreline.

Day Seven, Tuesday, May 27
On our way out, part of the group of sheep we had seen all week was down on the road. It was really cool. Jason got some great pictures of them. The drive out was uneventful and eventually, as I always do, I fell asleep.We stopped for gas in Raton, New Mexico and continued on. In Clayton, New Mexico, Jason needed a break from driving and had me drive. I have never really driven the truck while towing the trailer, so it was a new experience for me. Jason said I drive better while pulling the trailer than just driving the truck. Twerp...We arrived home to find out that a storm had knocked out our air conditioner and our maintenance man was unable to fix it because he didn’t have the right part. So we opened the windows and attempted to stay in the house. That didn’t last very long especially after finding out that the same store blew the power supply on our computer monitor!...We ended up out in the trailer where we were able to plug it into the house and sleep with air conditioning. We watched the movie, Amazing Grace, which it the story about William Wilberforce who in the 18th century spent years attempting to end slave trade in the British Empire. It was a really good movie, but very slow. I think we ended up going to bed around midnight.

And you wonder why I hate needles?

2008-05-19T21:30:00.004-05:00

So, I had doctor's orders to got get blood drawn and get a full work up. Here is the immediate result.

Giraffes

2008-05-13T21:52:00.004-05:00

There are nine recognized subspecies of giraffes. Native to Africa and each subspecies have differing color patterns. The giraffe, like humans have seven vertebra in their necks. However, it also has a pumping ventrical in its neck to help the blood move and the giraffe's heart up to twenty gallons of blood every minute (that is almost 4x the amount of the human heart). The run up to 35 miles an hour and have four stomachs. Male giraffes can grow up to 18 feet tall and weigh anywhere from 2000-38000 pounds. Female giraffes are usually shorter and thinner. At birth, a giraffe is usually about six feet tall. Within an hour of being born, they are standing and nursing though the are usually hidden for about a month by their mother to protect them from predators. A giraffe can survive weeks without a natural water source, often times extracting water from the vegetation they consume.

In their natural habitat, giraffe's usualy wander in herds of about 15. In the high plains of Texas, the giraffes happen to herd up in groups of about 25. At least that is the case in my house. And they don't wander to much. Instead they sit on shelves and I admire them many times a day and when remember the wonderful day I fed a giraffe at the zoo.

That does make for a total of 76 giraffes on those shelves. I also have a vest, a pin, a picutre, a magnet and a giraffe bank that are not pictured. Making a grand total of 81 giraffes. I bet my grandmother never suspected a thing when she gave me the first giraffe when I was six, huh?

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T21:21:00.008-05:00

This is what I woke up to down the girl's hall this morning:

The floor was littered with the letters "h" "m" "d" for Happy Mother's Day:

This sign recognizes all that they see that I do for them:

We then went to church and had a wonderful prayer blessing given by our minister, Brian. Yesterday, Jason and the girls stopped at the resturant we were planning to eat at and dropped of my gifts. The staff there had them all setting out on a table for me.

Part of my gift was a bouquet of flowers. This marks the first time I received flowers for Mother's Day. It made me very excited.

Aren't they beautiful?

My mom got me a card that pictured a a glass that only had some water in it. Underneath it read:
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Opptomist: the glass is hafl full
Mom: Okay, who didn't put their glass in the dishwasher?

Happy Mother's Day!

I am pretty sure I have strep throat

2008-04-20T05:29:00.002-05:00

If there were a time stamp on my postings, you would be able to tell that it is 5:30 a.m. as I write this post. I have been up for an hour. I have taken a shower, eaten two pieces of garlic toast, gargled salt water, drank a cup of chamomile tea with honey and eaten some yogurt. I am in the process of drinking a bottle water as well. Oh, yeah, I also took some Tussin cough syrup and have blown my nose about 2 dozen times. I guess I will continue this routine for the next 30 hours or so, until I can get into a doctor for some antibiotic. I am sad about the prospect of having strep throat. It means I am going to have be isolated from my family, I probably won't go to church and I just flat out HATE being sick.

Have a better day than I am going to have.

Sorry for the Sabbatical

2008-04-19T20:14:00.003-05:00

Stress wins out once again. I know, lame exucse. Please forgive me.

Since my last post, I have traveled to Austin. I have visited Tulsa and OKC. I have processed a hog and made sausage. I have been within less than half a mile of a tornadoe. I have spent time with seven adorable kids. I have visited the best friends in the world and had some hard but necessary conversations. I shot in my first archery tournament. I have been recertified in CPR. I have planned a women's retreat. I had a great massage. I lost all my NCAA bracket contests. I have turned 32. I have started wearing actual aprons to cook in.

I am sure there is much more than that. However, trying to catch up on so much since that post, I am having a very difficult time coming up with what else there is.

So, I am back. And I will write more. Eventually.

P.S.-For one friend in particular, I have removed word verification. :)

Food

2008-02-23T00:29:00.003-06:00

Thursday night Jason and I attended an event in which we were able to walk around to 43 different vendors and sample whatever they were offering. We ate so much food, neither of us can tell you what we actually ate (besides fish tacos). We were both miserable when we got home from this event.

Friday, I left Jason at home and went over to a friend's house to watch a moive and snack. There were only five women there and we had a ton of food as well. Everyone took leftovers home.

I never, and I do mean never, go without food. Rarely am I actually hungry when I sit down to eat a meal. I am usually just eating because I know that it is that time of day. I realize how unhealthy this is because it causes me to consume more calories than I actually need. However, the spiritual ramifications of this behavior struck me today as I was reading Luke 4.

Jesus has been baptized by John (whom Scripture tells us fed off locust and honey and never had alcohol) and was then led to the desert. He fasted forty days and was tempted in every way. We are given a glimpse of three of those temptations and Satan's response. As many of you know, Satan first tells Jesus he could turn the rocks into a loaf of bread. Jesus responds with a Scripture out of Deuteronomy 8:3-..."man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD."

And here is where I need to rest for a while. Have I ever just lived "on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord"? Is that joke? Anyone who has ever met can answer that question without hesitation. Anyone who has ever shared dinner at my house can answer that question without hesitation. Anyone who has read the post title "reading" can answer that question.

I enjoy food. The smell of most foods brings me comfort. The different textures excite my mouth. Feeling full is one of my favorite feelings. One of my favorite jobs was being a waitress becuase I saw how happy and content people were. Seriously, how many people do you see walk out of restaurant sad or crying. Yeah, there are a few circumstances but the majority of people who leave a restaurant smiling, laughing and full. That is what food does for me, unless of course I over eat like I did Thursday night.

Wouldn't it be great if that is the way I was walking out of, say, Sunday morning services? Or a Bible Study? Wouldn't it be great if I could smell the comfort of Scriputre when I opened my Bible? If reading different passages provided different texture sensations in my brain? If, after I read what God was saying to me, I felt full and that was the feeling that was my favorite thing?

Is that possible?

Reading

2008-02-20T21:50:00.006-06:00

I presented our preacher, Brian Mashburn, with a problem about reading Scripture I was having. My problem was that I have grown to not like to read the Bible and I hate that. He referred me to a few books to read and we discussed them together. After my discussion with him, I was truly able to see the root of my problem, not just the symptoms. That was really cool but difficult to admit and face. He had given me another book to read and it was a great book. However, this sentence was the one sentence that has stuck with me now for a few weeks.

"...;an ancient book of incredible spiritual value for us, a kind of universal and cosmic history, a book that tells us who we are and what story we find ourselves in so that we know what to do and how to live.”-Neo, in Brian McLaren's book A New Kind of Christian

I was then discussing with another great friend of mine, Jhansi, this issue and my journey to where I am currently. She shared with me a blog she found from March of 2006 where the guy was talking about the biases that he approaches Scripture with. It was actually an assignment he received in class and was asked to a write a 30 page paper on.

So here is my attempt, after a few weeks of reflection and study.
#1-I read it as if I have read it thousands of times before and know the beginning, middle and end of every passage I am reading. What I have actually learned is that while I know just about every good Sunday School story there is to know and can finish many New Testament passages without thinking, there is so much more the Bible than just those stories.
#2-I read it as if there is nothing new to learn from it. What I have learned is that there are men and women out there who everytime they pick up the Bible, the find something new, amazing and refreshing.
#3-I read it looking for rules and to-do lists. I have learned that when I stop worrying about lists and focus relationships, my burden is lifted and I don't view myself as such a horrible, disgusting person.
#4-I read it from a non spiritualist point of view using logic and reason instead. I have learned that there is very little logic in Bible. I mean serioulsy, what story really makes any earthly sense? The creation? The Flood? Egypt? Jericho? David? Jesus? Paul? The list can go on and on. And from what I see, there is no logical reason for any of it.
#5-I read it as a child listening to her Father tell her what to do. Yes, my Father has a certain way He wants me to behave but not because He wants to control me or punish me. It really is because if I do what He wants me to do I will be blessed beyond my imagination here and now. And He really wants me to behave that way not out of fear, obligation or necessity rather He tells me that if I really let Him take over my life, I will normally react that way to Him.

My quest now is to let go of those biases and pick my Bible back up and find the story God needs and wants me to hear.

Six years

2008-02-20T14:40:00.003-06:00

Six years ago today, our lives drastically changed.
Six years ago today, we met our first group of girls and began this journey of houseparenting.
I cannot believe that it has been six years! You would think that I would have a great, wonderful post about the past six years but the words are not coming.

The only thing I can think of to do is close with a prayer for "my kids"-Father, you blessed me at an early age with the knowledge that I am and always will be your daughter. Thank you for giving me the chance to plant that seed in so many other children over the past six years. It is so comforting to know that You are still watching over them and know exactly where they are even though I don't. Lord, water the seed you planted through us and send the right people to harvest it. Protect them from the evil that is around them. Make Your perfect, holy presence evident, known and felt in their lives. Remind me that this work is about You not me and that the responsiblity is Yours not mine. Grant us the strength to continue to do Your work while Satan attacks.

how much is too much?

2008-02-19T05:31:00.003-06:00

So, I am now very well connected. Maybe too much so. If you ever need to get in contact with me and for some reason cannot seem to do it, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, really, I have 4 yahoo email addresses, 1 hotmail email address, 1 oklahoma christian email address, 1 work email address, 1 blog, 1 myspace, 1 facebook, and 1 oc connection account. I guess if I loose my internet access for months at a time, that would provide an excuse, however, that is about the only reason you shouldn't be able to get a hold of me.

Willy Wonka & the election

2008-02-16T20:30:00.003-06:00

The local children's theatre in town performed "Willy Wonka, Junior" today and they were nice enough to give us ten tickets. It was great! The kids are amazing actors, singer, and dancers. The young man that played Willy Wonka sounded exactly like the orginal one. It was really amazing. And they sold 4,000 candy bars in which they had randomly placed 5 golden tickets. We ended up with 8 candy bars and amazingly enough, the one that my darling husband picked had the last golden ticket it in. We gave the privilege of going on stage to receive a candy basket, a signed poster and some raffle tickets for a cool little playhouse. It was pretty cool.

Across the street at the same time as the musical, former President Clinton was stumping for his wife. There were a lot of people down there but not as many as I expected, which I was fairly happy about. The traffic was not near at bad as I expected.

Have a great one.

Surgery, done

2008-02-14T20:02:00.000-06:00

Okay, so the surgery is finished. It took a bit longer than we all expected. We didn't actually get home until 4:10ish even though they expected us to be home around 2:00ish. Oh, well, it is done for now.

And again, people poured themselves out to us for support to my child. Both of our youth ministers, an elder's wife with whom PS is close, and my on campus caseworker were there for most of the morning. Another elder's wife stopped by and prayed with PS after the surgery and one of our small group leaders (whom herself had surgery early this week and was still there recovering) made the slow walk to check on PS. One of our precious church secretaries to check on her, her cheerleading coach, one of her best friends called to check on her as well. I'm telling ya', being a member of the body of Christ has so many benefits I wonder why people don't take better advantage of it all.

By the way, Happy Valentines Day. I pray that the love you received today is a reminder of the Love we have available every day in Christ.

Great friends and sinus surgery

2008-02-14T07:44:00.000-06:00

Okay, bad title because in all honesty the two are not really related.

I will start with the latter. PS is having sinus surgery today. All of her sinus (which include two most people do not have) are 88-92% congested and she has a deviated septum. She is going to be miserable for the next day or so, but should be feeling much better after that. However, in March, we are scheduling to have her tonsils and adnoids taken out. This should all help her breathing, which will increase her oxygen level in her blood, which will increase her energy level, which will improve her attitude and weight issues, and over all improve the quality of her life, thus increasing the quality of ours. So, yes, this is all about me, thank you very much.

Anyone can argue with who wants to, but I will always contend I have the greatest friends on this planet. My "new" friends (those I have only known since leaving OKC) are the type of people who are constantly challenging me to grow and become a truer form of what God wants me to be. My "old" friends (those I have known since college, high school, junior high or since I was five) are the type that think about me and immediatly start praying for me then let me know about it. All of my friends support us in what we are doing, encourage me, strengthen me and just love me. I could not get through my days without these people.

I think of Hebrews, when the writer is talking about a great cloud of witnesses. I used to think that he was just talking about those people of faith who had passed away and were looking down on us. That is not the case. My cloud of witnesses include many who have gone on before me (Shannon, Uncle Bill, Aunt Elsie, Stacy, Nathan and the list goes on) but is also includes those I am blessed to still have here today...I am not even going to attempt to make a list because it would take up too much time and space. And I don't want to leave anyone off and thus offend someone. I will say, I will always look forward to the day we will all be united in heaven and not struggle with the ways of the world anymore.

Have a great valentines day!

(I have hit a milestone in the world of blogging-this post is my 100th post!)

what happened?

2008-02-08T22:02:00.000-06:00

So, we went for months without having any major blow up and only a few minor issues. Jason and I figured out that until January, the last time we really had to issues consequences or set major restrictions was in September. I want that to come back!

Yesterday, with in thirty minutes of the kids getting home from school, I had 5 of them upset with me. I was mean because I want them to start doing their homework (rather than playing on the computer), complete their homework properly (rather than only partially doing it), following house rules (rather than doing what is convienent), get some exercies (rather than being lazy and continuing to gain weight).

Two of my younger girls are really struggling to make good choices. I think they are actually lucky to be alive and not have stitches or a broken arm or something. This morning, at 5:22 they were up playing and making enough noise to wake three other girls up. This of course upset the other girls since no one has any real need to be awake before 6:00. So, when they got home from school, they knew they were in trouble. However, one of them was only willing to put the most minimal amount of work into her chores and she was sent to her room for a time out. An hour and fifteen minutes later, after the other girls were finished cleaning, she was finally done yelling, kicking and crying enough to go finish her cleaning, take a shower and go to bed.

However, on the flip side, MB is really confusing me in a good way. She has always struggled to "act her age" and that has not really changed. Lately though she has made some statements and asked questions that have great depths spiritually. A few weeks ago, she was facing what could have had a very negative outcome. At that time, at church, we had been focusing on Scripture memory and the purpose of it. The verse she was memorizing was John 20:31 "But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." Well, the morning she was scheduled to to deal with the situation, she pulled me aside and said "Ginger, I remembered what we talked about how Scripture can make you more peaceful and get you through tough times. All morning, I have been thinking about that verse and you know what? It does help!" She gave me a HUGE smile, kissed me on the cheek and left. Last week, she asked me how to deal with feeling selfish when she gets her way because she was not nice to someone. And then, earlier this week, she asked God to forgive of her sins that she didn't realize she was committing and she told Him about the ones she did know about. WOW! It make my hear warm to see her going deep and at the same time, it humbles me.

Other than that, my high school girls and I decided to do the whole lent thing even though we are not Catholic. I have challenged them to go ahead and take it a step farther and not just give it up but to focus that time or money on their relationship with God when they would normally be particpating in their vice. Two of my girls gave up sodas, one of my girls gave up vending machine junk food, one of my girls gave up reading naything but the Bible, and one of my girls gave up atempting to control others. I have a really immature and somewhat silly obsession much of the time and that this computer games (not multi player games or Role playing games, games more like Diner Dahs and the such. I have given those up. We will see how that goes.

Please pray that things will take a turn for the better here real soon. We are not off until February 20th and much more of the stupid petty stuff will but me over the edge soon.

How does He do it?

2008-02-02T07:56:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder how God puts up with us? Do you ever consider how He is capable of contuing to love us, pour out His grace on us and want a relationship with us?

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. As I stated in a previous post, Monday was the worst day of houseparenting I have ever had (and I pray earnestly that it stays that way). As I also stated previously, I cannot really discuss the situation in detail. That being said a decision one of my kids made has truly destroyed much of our relationship with her. It is very difficult to interact with her and not feel crushed. The situation has weighed heavily on my heart all week. I have shed many tears over it, lost many hours of sleep over it and my heart has begun to grow callous towards houseparenting in general because of it.

This decision has affected the other kids in my house in a profound way as well. One of the biggest challenges in handling the situation is showing our other kids how to continue to love this one child as Christ does while still 1)having all the negative, hurtful feelings I have and 2) imposing natural and logical consequences on this young lady that will help her not make the same mistake again. This is very difficult and the prayer I have begun to pray is that when all eight of our kids look back on this situation they will be able to see they saw God's heart in it from me and Jason.

And that brings me back to my first questions. How does He do it? Seriously. God does not rate sin like I do. Any sin, whether lying, murder, lust, adultery, stealing, gluttony, or becoming drunk (all of which I have committed in one fashion or another) all put us outside of His presence. And yet, He never closes the bridge that allows us back in. His heart does not turn to callous towards me like mine has calloused this week. He still desires a relationship with me and if given the chance or if there was a need, He would still send His Son to fix the situation again.

I want to be like for my kid. I want to be like that for my husband. I want to be like for my friends and enemies. I want to be like for myself.

2008-01-30T06:27:00.000-06:00

So, I have this friend, Melanie, who decided I needed to be tagged. To make matters worse, I have to tag others and she took one of mine that I would have tagged! Oh, well here goes:

The Rules:
Link to the person that tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Share one of the following on your blog:

5 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

Tag a minimum of 5, maximum of 10 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. The tagees have a choice of which they want to do.

5 random/weird facts about myself:
1. I have a collection of 63 giraffes that I started when I was 6 years old .
2. I type 68 words per minute.
3. I shoot archery so that I can hang out with my husband.
4. I prefer to listen to news talk radio. (Thank you mother!)
5. This week I have experienced the worst day of being a houseparent in my career (and sadly, I cannot share about it)

Tag you are it: Amanda, Amy, Candice, Heather, Lori

Don't forget God is powerful

2008-01-28T06:33:00.000-06:00

Way back on December 5, a women from our church was in a horrible one car accident. She had severe brain damage, had a series of "mini" strokes and they were not sure if she was going to wake up.

Yesterday, she was at church!

If you have some spare time and a box of kleenex handy, check out her story: http://www.melissamccoy.net/ or continue to follow her family here http://romanmccoy.blogspot.com/

Ginger

Grades

2008-01-25T07:25:00.000-06:00

I had CNN Headline News on this morning and the following story caught my eye.

Money for grades

I think this is interesting, yet I struggle with it. One viewer wondered if we are not just teaching them that money is the only reason to do something well. However, I can also see the benefit for kids who might be willing to give up a job to focus on grades if they knew they were still going to have some cash now for that.

That being said, I had to take a minute to brag on my kids. I finally received last semester report cards out of four high school girls, one fifth grader and one third grader, we only had 5 c's! Everything else was an A or B!!!!! My kids rock! I cannot begin to express how proud of them I am. They are all working very hard to make and maintain good grades. And they feel good about it.

My First Time

2008-01-24T14:16:00.000-06:00

I over came my fear.

I sat down in the chair.

I allowed a very nice woman named Brenda to stick my arm with a very long needle.

From there, it was easy. The blood just flowed out of me into the little bag.

I gave blood for the first time in my life and I have to say, it felt great!

a few book recommendations

2008-01-20T18:11:00.001-06:00

An email conversation with our preaching minister led to him recommending and loaning me a few different books to read. I left one at home that I am almost finished with but the name of which I don't remember (I know, I know. Helpful, aren't I). However, the two books that I have have read on this particular mountian trip have been tremoundous. The first is not new book and was actually a New York Times Bestseller. Blue Like Jazz is best described as a post modern geared book about Christianity from a non religious perspective. His journey is curious and yet, I suspect not much different from many, many people inside and outside of todays churches. I am really glad I am reading it.

The second book is very new and truly amazing. The Shack, written by William P. Young is gripping, imagniative and dramatic. I will say it stretches the normal view of God to depths many may find uncomfortable. It has the potential to be a catalyst for change in the heart of those who read it. Check it out when you get the chance.

Let me know what you think of either book.

Sorry for the delay

2008-01-20T17:42:00.000-06:00

There are of course many reasons that I have not posted, however, they are more excuses than anything so I will not bore you.

So, since my last post, God has granted both of us a great deal of peace in our given situations. We are not exactly happy with certain things that aer happening, but again, God is faithful and gracious. We have many reminders in our daily lives that help keep things in the proper perspective.

On the kid front, things are chaning by leaps and bounds. At the beginning of November, we added two kids to our house, T and A. A moved in from another house and, though she struggles sometimes with rules, is doing well. T on the other hand a really difficult time adjusting to our situation, primarily school. Stressful story short, she moved out of hte house before Christmas. About a week ago, we added V to our midst. She is ten, though she looks twelve or thirteen and is used to being treated as such. However, she is not as responsible as a a preeteen or teenager should be, so she sort of struggles with the fact that I treat her as ten year old. I do think over all, she will do fine. And just a few days ago we added another A. She is fifteen. I have not actually met her but she came from a some one who usually recommends good kids to us, so I am not too worried about it. Just to recap for those who have a difficult time keeping up (you are in the same boat as my hsuband if that is the case, so don't feel bad at all) we have AB who is 17, KR who is 17, PS who is 16, LF who is 16, A? who is 15, MB who is 11, VF who is 10 and CW who is 9. That makes for a full house! It also makes for a very busy house. AB is finishing driver's education. KR, PS, and LF all have their driver's license. PS is the school mascot. LF is on the dance team, is preparing to take at trip to New York with her choir and holding down a part time job. KR and PS are looking for part time work that fits into their schedules. School is still going very well for all them. Mostly As and Bs, though we do have some Cs but no Fs!!! We are the only house on campus who has all kids passing every six weeks. My kids think that is really cool. I think that is amazing and I praise them for it every single chance I get.

Christmas was long but a big blessing all around. As always, our donors went above and beyond for our kids. A few got to go see family and others just hung around the house for the break. My parents came out the day after Christmas and stayed for a few days. It was really cool. My kids loved them and they returned to favor to my kids. It was a great blessing to all involved. I think the work we do was made a little more realy to both my parents after that trip.

Right now, I feel pretty cool. I am sitting in Starbucks updating my blog and people watching. I feel very "cool". How sad, huh? We changed our work schedule. We now work three weeks on and have one week off, weeks running from Wednesday to Wednesday. There are two times through out the year that we will combine our week off with our vacation week giving us 14 days in a row off. There are two other times throughout the year that we will have a week on, week off, week on, week off to use our other vacation weeks.

This month finds us in Arizona with Jason trying to enjoy a late season mule deer archery hunt. We have been here for four days and he has not really had any luck. He dropped me off in a this wonderful town called Prescot (locals pronounce it "Pres-kit"). They had a great down town area of antiques, jewelry, amazing art and book stores. The square was focused around the courthouse. The lawn of the courthouse today featured some sort of local entertainment troupe. They were juggling and playing quick little games with the kids. It was all very quaint and beautiful. I am so very glad I chose to come down today.

Next month we are staying home so that we can save for March. March will be one of those on/off/on/off months. I think the following dates are right, but I am not sure. However Jason is going on a wild hog hunt with a group of guys down in the hill country of Texas. He will drop me off at my mom's house in Austin on March 12 and we will return to Amarillo on March 19th. We will work for a week and then head to Tulsa for the International Soul Winning Workshop on the 26th returning to Amarillo on April 2.

I think that is all for now. Remeber, God is good, all the time!

Shameless Plug for Free Bows

2008-01-12T22:19:00.001-06:00

Okay, another blogger is hosting a free hair bow giveaway and I decided to pass on the chance to win to any of you who read this.

http://maucktalk.blogspot.com/2008/01/giveaway.html

Hard Stuff

2007-11-27T19:00:00.000-06:00

About a week or so ago, I emailed a minister at our church, Landon, about a struggle I was having. I was asking for advice and he preferred to have the discussion in person. Landon had also been seeking out a chance to have lunch with my husband, so we decided just to have the three of us get together. This was not what I was anticipating when I emailed him. I had just wanted a nice, gentle response on email.

Our conversation began with him sharing a brief synopsis of his life the past 4 months or so. Then he turned the conversation on us. Thankfully, I didn't have to say much because my husband was able to share where we were both at. When I differed from him, I added as much as I felt like I needed to.

Landon was gently, yet challenging. God blessed him with exactly the message I needed to hear. Given, what he was saying was not what I wanted to hear by any stretch of the imagnation.

So, what is my challenge? Well, it seems to boil down to something sort of simple and yet, as Landon put it many times, is HUGE. I have to relearn to care for people in my life regardless of how they react to my caring for them. What does that look like privately and publically? In person, I continue to show honor, respect, love and concern for their situations, regardless of the feelings that well up inside of me when I see them. Pubically, to others, I resist the temptation to demand the justice and retribution I think they deserve. Privately, when I think of them, I resist the tempation to demand the justice and retribution I think they deserve and I purposefully seek and petition for their happiness, peace, joy and best for them. I don't really struggle when I am face to face with people I care for who reject me and truthfully, in prayer I am more than willing to seek what is best for them. I struggle, often, to not demand the justice and retribution I feel others deserve when I am in a public conversation.

More than that, I struggle for the feelings of comfort that demanding justice and retribution bring me. I lived, for a long time with bitterness, hate and anger. I worked, with the grace of God, for years to let go of those feelings and when I am not living with that, I feel freedom and peace. So, why is it that when I put those feeling back on, though I can feel them weighing me down, I feel comforted and "normal"?

So, this is where I am at. I am fully secure in knowing that God used Landon to challenge me today and I am extremely grateful to have a friend and a brother who is strong enough, wise enough and gentle enough to be able to say what I needed to hear. I also know that with God's grace, power and love, I will come out of this strong in my faith, in my relationship with others, in my relaitonship with God and more Christ like.

Two Words

2007-11-22T15:51:00.000-06:00

I'm stuffed!

Sorry for the delay ladies and gentleman

2007-11-22T07:29:00.000-06:00

I can't really say why I haven't posted lately. Maybe it is stress related-again, I seem to withdrawal when under stress and sadly enough, I have been stressing even though I deeply want to rely on God to handle everything I am stressing about.

Okay, since I posted last, Jason and I took a trip to Kentucky to see my grandmother and other family members. It was a great trip. Jason hunted some, shot a deer, but another hunter shot it again and claimed it as his own. Jason was frustrated and annoyed, but got over it. I spent most of my time hanging out with my grandmother and not doing much at all. I did see some cousins from my father's side of the family. It was fun. On the way home, a rock managed to get through the grill of the truck and hit the condenser, thus making us loose antifreeze at a rapid pace. That of course means that we had to drive home with no air conditioner. It made for a fairly miserable trip home.

After arriving home, we met with another resident from a different house who had moved into our house while we were gone. I think AB will be a good addition overall to the house. The move came because of some negative decisions she had made and she continue to be very grateful to still be here. We also welcomed another new resident to our house. She is fifteen and a freshman. She had a rough start, but seems to want to be here and is probably just testing our limits and trying to figure out where she fits into the dynamics of the house. In case your are keeping count, this means we have 7 girls right now. AB is 17 (new resident to house), KR is 17 (we have had her for two and half years), PS is 16 (we have had her a year and half), LF is 16 (we have had her two years and half years), TT is 15 (new resident), MB is 11 (we have had her two and a half years) and CW is 9 (we have had her 7 months). Only one more girl is needed and we will have a full house, which is what I like to have.

I am currently is sitting on a rolling chair at my dining room desk typing this blog. This is not where usually sit to do, but I need the computer kept close since I will be sitting on this chair for the remainder of the day (by the way, it is 7:40 a.m.). Among the many things I am thankful for today, I am thankful that I have four girls home who are going to help me cook the massive meal we all have come to enjoy and desire on Thanksgiving. Otherwise, I don't know how I could possible get it all done since I managed to tear up my right ankle. I wish I had some really cool story to tell you about how I did it, but the truth of the matter is I was walking across the backward and stepped in a hole Monday night. Jason has been doing a wonderful job of taking care me and trying to make me stay off of my foot. That of coures is fairly difficult for me to do, but I am getting better at it. The girls have also been very helpful taking up the slack. They are willingly and cheerfully getting in the kitchen, cleaning up after me, serving me, driving me places-all in all my family is making me feel great even though I don't feel like I am doing what I should be doing as a wife and mom.

Okay, I am going to go cook breakfast for my family. I hope and pra all of you have a great Thanksgiving Day!

a blessed life

2007-11-02T08:12:00.001-05:00

Have you ever hit a point in your life when you take a breath and realize just how blessed you truly are? I am grateful to serve a gracious God who, just when I need it, reminds me how blessed I am.

Last month, I had friends shower me with love by doing many things: making time to hang out, buying me dinner, cooking me dinner, allowing me to spend time with their kids, driving hours upon hours just to be with me, transporting me to and from the bus station, confiding in me and advising me, etc.

My kids expressed how much they missed me in words and actions. And I see how their negative behaviors while I was gone is also a reflection of how bonded they are to me. They meet my expectations of cleanliness to the point that on a morning when we run out of time to do chores, the house is still in great condition, meaning I don't have to spend the morning cleaning up after them. One might wonder why there was not enough time to do chores, huh? Well, when I oversleep by an hour that happens. However, my kids once again stepped up and when I finally made it out, they were up, dressed and almost ready for the day without me.

My husband is my greatest blessing in the flesh I could ask for. First, he sacrificed time with me so I could earn a bit of extra money typing for my trip with my friend. Then he willingly let me go without making me feel guilty about. And just this week, he made me breakfast in bed, one of my favorite, breakfast tacos.

I truly lived a blessed life.

The conflict of my job

2007-10-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

So, I am once again experiencing the conflict of the job I have chosen. I had to say goodbye to one of my younger girls today. However, this goodbye was not negative, for JR moved to an adoptive placement. And thus my conflict. This is one of the goals we have for younger kids and it is a very exciting moment when this happens. On the other hand, for us it is a very sad moment. I am even having a very difficult right now even expressing what I want to say. All I know is the ache in my heart is great but the joy in my heart is also great. And I know that God will reconcile it all and He will bless us, JR and her new family.

Ladies Weekend

2007-10-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend was amazing! I was able to get together with five women from college and just hang out. It was time to be not focuso on husbands or kids, just being girls together. We enjoyed dinner at a Brazilian resturant (I had Pescado MirandaSautéed, which was a tilapia in a coconut cream sauce topped with fried bananas and provolone cheese; served over rice). It was very good. We laughed. We played games (Imaginiff, Taboo, Beyond Boulderdash, Taboo, Taboo, and did I mention Taboo). We laughed. We ate lots of food. We laughged. We shopped in Kimmswick. We laughed. We shopped at the mall. We lauhged. We went to a winery and took a tour. We laughed. We did very little sleeping and...yep, you guessed it, we laughed.

On our way back to OKC one of my friends, her kids and I detoured to Topeka, Kansas to meet another friend who was uable to join us for the weekend. She had a baby six weeks ago and I had never seen her. We grabbed a motel room and just hung out and did a little shopping. It was great to see them. Her baby is so precious and cute. It was big sacrafice for my two friends, but I was totally appreciative and loved every minute of it!

I am now hanging out in OKC and visiting with friends for the week. I am very excited about that.

I miss Jason greatly (he is hunting with his father, uncle, cousin and family friend in Colorado), but this time apart has always been good for us.

2007-10-12T06:29:00.000-05:00

1. Who is your man? Jason
2. How long have you been together? 10 years total (Married 5 years, 5 months)
3. How long did you date? 3 Years, 8 months
4. How old is your man? 32
5. Who eats more? Lately, me. He is becoming the incredible shrinking man.
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did
7. Who is taller? Jason
8. Who sings better? Me
9. Who is smarter? I think he is one of the smartest men I know
10. Whose temper is worse? His
11. Who does the laundry? Me
12. Who takes out the garbage? Usually him
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me
14. Who pays the bills? That is all him
15. Who is better with the computer? Me
16. Who mows the lawn? He does. I have an “inherited fear” of lawn mowers
17. Who cooks dinner? Me
18. Who drives when you are together? He does. I stress him out when I drive
19. Who pays when you go out? Usually him
20. Who is most stubborn? Probably him.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Neither of us is ever wrong
22. Whose parents do you see the most? About the same
23. Who kissed who first? He kissed me
24. Who asked who out? Jason asked me out for about 6 months before I said yes just so he would leave me alone
25. Who proposed? Jason. Kneeling in the snow.
26. Who is more sensitive? Me, on most issues
27. Who has more friends? Me
28. Who has more siblings? He has two sisters though Stacy is no longer with us. I have one sister and one half brother
29. Who wears the pants in the family? I think he does. Others think I do

Who do I tag? Everyone who reads my blog. And if you don’t have a blog, do an email.

Amazing kids!

2007-10-08T21:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is one of those moments that God blesses me with that keeps me doing this job. I checked my kids grades on line earlier this evening and ALL OF SEVEN OF MY KIDS HAVE AT LEAST AN "A" OR "B" AVERAGE!!! Four of my kids are are on the A/B Honor Roll. I am so pumped, I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. This is way cool!

Hunting Trip, 2007

2007-10-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, a few discloures before the actual post:
1. This is a very long post. It chronicles 9 of the 12 days we were gone.
2. It is about hunting, so if the idea of killing an animal is bothersome to you, don't read it. Just know it was a great trip and go on with your life.

Now that those things are out of the way, enjoy this post:

Sunday, September 23, 2007
We left Cowdrey, Colorado and drove to Riverside and Encampment, Wyoming. For the first time ever, Jason let me drive the truck hooked up to the trailer for about seven miles on a dirt road. I did fine, though I was very anxious. He didn’t have any complaints. After driving through both Riverside and Encampment, we stopped at a convenient store and made the purchases we needed: Potatoes, gas, archery and habitat stamp and a couple of Sodas. We then went a grabbed lunch at the “Bear Trap Café and Saloon.” After a few bacon cheeseburgers, we drove a few miles back to the access we needed to find a place to camp. Around 4:30 p.m. we finally found a suitable location. It took us a bit longer to set up than either of us anticipated or wanted, but everything was up and out. However, by the time we were ready to go out for a quick drive around the area, the sky had cleared up and it was no longer raining. After getting all geared up and sprayed down with Carbon Blast, we had less than an hour of daylight left. Before leaving camp, Jason said a wonderful prayer for me in my first hunting, asking God to bless me with harvest and to guide my arrows so that I either missed the animal completely or hit right on target to kill the animal, not leaving a wounded animal in the midst of my poor shot. Leaving Sadie in the trailer, we hoped in the truck and followed 4092b, the road we are camped off of, out to 409. Following that for less than 100 feet, we turned left and drove that for about 8 miles. We saw a total of six deer, all doe, but felt like it was an area we could hunt. We returned to the trailer about thirty five minutes after sunset. Two cans of soup and a salad each served as dinner. We did share communion together, sharing with each other what Christ’s sacrifice meant to us (Jason-hope; Me-connection) and what we thought about when we thought of the blood Christ shed (Jason-the pain and how weak we humans are compared to what Christ endured; Me-the pointlessness and unjustness done to Christ and why God bothered to set things like he did). By 10:00 p.m., we were in bed anticipating a full day of hunting together.

Monday, September 24, 2007
I overslept by about ten minutes. After a very quick shower and a breakfast taco each, Jason and I geared up and headed off hunting. It was cold and cloudy to start the morning. We started our typical competition of deer spotting with me in the lead 6 to nothing, including one buck which was a small forked horn.. Jason then spotted a doe and two fawns. We apparently crossed over into Colorado and the Routt National forest without knowing it. At least ten miles past that point, while I was driving, I spotted a very nice three point buck. We drove another 50 yards and began stalking him. With a light snow falling, we headed up the hill about 100 yards. I had a great shot opportunity, but while I was moving to gain a better position on him, he spotted me and took off. I was very frustrated and sad. Jason drove us home where I fixed leftovers and we took a nap until about 3 p.m. We woke up to about two inches of snow on the awning, but the sun was peeking out of the clouds. We took off driving in the truck again and throughout the afternoon, I spotted another eight deer, but no more bucks. However, coming around the bend of a rough road, in the midst of some free range cattle, Jason spotted two very nice bucks. One was at least a three point and other was at least a forked horn. Both bucks were bigger in the body than either of the two bucks I had spotted earlier that day. Jason backed the truck up to a pullout and parked, we geared up and headed up to try and catch the deer feeding. We stalked them for about 250 yards covering 150 feet in elevation. Sadly, we never were able to relocate them and we walked away empty handed. After reaching the trailer, we had dinner of pork chops, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Jason was taking the trash and grease out for me and Sadie decided to be stupid and not stay in the trailer. Jason told her repeatedly to get back in and she wouldn’t. Instead, she took of running. She did eventually come back in, though Jason and I were still very angry with her unwillingness to obey. Overall, it was a great day of hunting even though neither of us shot an arrow at a buck. However, things looks promising.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007
This mornings hunt did not go well. I did not sleep well through out the night because I could not breathe. It felt like a weight was on my chest that would not lift. Jason decided we were heading up the road we came in on, back towards town. I struggled to stay awake and enjoy the hunt. Throughout the day we saw a total of fifteen deer-Jason saw ten, and I saw five. Of Jason’s ten, 2 were bucks and of my five, two were bucks. We returned to the trailer and ate biscuits and gravy, fried potatoes, bacon and eggs. Jason then went on an hour and a half hike and hunt while I took a rested and did dishes. He returned and took a nap. We then went back to the area we saw the bucks the night before. We were less than a quarter mile from where we saw the bucks and Jason had just asked me if I was looking downhill on my side of the road. Not a minute later, I see this nice three point buck feeding. Jason pulls the truck up about 25 yards and we get out to see if we could stalk him. He was about 115 yards down the hill and there was very little cover for us. However, he really didn’t seem interested in us at all, so we decided to make a go of it. We crept down the mountain behind a tree until he was about seventy five yards away and sat for about 15 minutes. He was feeding, and about every 35-45 seconds he would look around, though he was not over curious. He did hear something that got him edgy in the woods behind him, which was across the way from us, but he never spooked. Jason and I were developing a plan and neither of us were watching him when he disappeared completely. After searching the landscape for him, Jason found him bedded down with his head away from us. That was when Jason decided I was going to go stalk him on my own. I cautiously started my stalk. I would walk no more than about two yards and stop to make sure he wasn’t tracking me. I ranged him three or four times, though he was hard to range because he was just at the shadow of the forest. I finally made it down to my comfortable yardage, 30 yards, and he still had no clue at all that I was stalking him. I went ahead and took a few more steps knowing the closer I could get to, the more confident in my shot I was. I was squatting down at 28 yards and took a breath in. Apparently, he heard me because he whipped his head around and nailed me dead on. For about thirty seconds, though it felt like 5 minutes, he stared at me. When he stood up, he didn’t take off, but continued to stare at me. This gave me the chance to draw and settle in on him. However, being the inexperienced, anxious, nervous, adrenaline hunter I am, I apparently go trigger happy and released an arrow about 6 feet above him. He then took off and about 5 seconds later, huffed. He huffed two more times before appearing on the other side of the trees. He looked back at me before he took off over the other side of the ravine. We hunted a little more, but never got close enough to anything to matter. We returned to the trailer where I fried Jason a pork chop, made mashed potatoes and corn. It was impossible to eat a fried pork chop. The thought of it just about made me sick. I think I was still filled with adrenaline and I was still having a very difficult time breathing. After taking three ALIEVE and praying with Jason, I went to bed to read, which lasted all of about five minutes I am told.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
So, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. feeling great. I desperately wanted to wake Jason up and tell him, but decided that was not the best option. So I went back to sleep until Jason’s alarm went off three minutes before mine at 4:57 a.m.. We discussed the day and got up and on the road about twenty five minutes later than we wanted. Sadie and I slept to the spot we were hunting, until Jason almost hit a fawn. We arrived at the spot where we saw the three point buck on Monday and quietly began a stalk. Less than 15 yards from the truck, we busted out what we thing was probably a doe. We walked another 85 yards or so and took a stand. We sat there, bored, cold and without seeing any deer for about 35 minutes. We then decided to take a walk through woods a little bit. I saw some fresh sign, but nothing else. Jason saw nothing. We headed back to the truck where I let Sadie out. She and I played for a few minutes and then we all loaded back up in the truck to go for what ended up being a very long drive. I was saying to Jason that I figured Sadie and I made too much noise for any deer to be in the area when I spotted my first buck of the day. Jason drove a few yards up and then went back to see if he could get a better look and to see if anything else was with him. The answer was that nothing was with him and Jason never really got a good look at him. We slowly wound our way to the main highway, highway 70, that leads to Encampment/Riverside. Jason decided we would go ahead and to Saratoga which was eighteen miles away. While I was driving, we saw hundreds of antelope. We were about five miles outside of town when was saw 5 or 6 deer feeding in someone’s field. In broad daylight, with no cover anywhere close! Anyway, we stopped at the Ranger Station, used the bathroom and had some questions answered. We then headed into town, got gas, ice, a few snacks and ate lunch. We ate lunch at the “Warm Spring Café.” Jason ordered and was able to actually get a chicken chimichanga that he was said was really good. I attempted to get a homemade chile rellano, but they were out so I ended up with a Mexican Torte with red sauce (layers of corn tortillas with meat, beans, olives, and onions). It was good, but not great. We did get chips and salsa which were good, but my taste buds have been deadened by whatever is making me sick, so I didn’t think it had that much flavor or spice. Jason tells me differently. We then hit a payphone, because I forgot to grab the cell phone, and called Jason’s dad so I could tell him my “Great Stalk/Horrible Shot” story. He was very happy for me, though sad that I didn’t get a buck. His response was actually, “Well, Jason has flung a few arrows over a deer. Don’t worry about it.” We headed out of town and back to the wilderness area, again seeing hundreds of antelope and a few hunters this time. At one point of time, Jason wanted the two of take the four wheeler for a quick drive. However, we figured out that some how, the rear shock is no longer functioning as well as it did before and the two of us cannot ride together. He was sad and frustrated, but took it for a thirty minute spin, while I alphabetized the C.D.s Our ride home lasted forever and we finally ended up back at the trailer around 8:15 p.m. Deer count for the day was Jason, 20, with 9 bucks and Ginger, 14, with 5 bucks. Oh, yeah, we saw this one forked horn buck on the road. He stared and stared at us, so I decided to see if I could shoot him. I got out of the truck and he casually stepped across the road. I walked down the road to him and finally spotted him. I had an arrow knocked, but that was as far as I got. He stared at me for about 15 seconds, then ducked his head down to eat. I took a step while lifting my bow to draw on him. Those movements, slow though they were, were enough to startle him and he turned around and ran off. Oh, well, there are still many days left in our season and at least I didn’t loose an arrow this time.

Thursday, September 27, 2007
Jason had to drag me out of bed this morning. I didn’t want to go hunting at all. However, he convinced me that I needed to go, so I did. We drove up to the area I missed my big buck at. We glassed for a while (looking through binoculars at opposite hillsides), but didn’t ever really see anything worth going after. We eventually made it back to area we wanted to hunt. Jason almost immediately spotted a nice 5x6 Bull Elk (too bad we weren’t in Colorado or he would have been gone!) and not far behind him, a spike Bull Elk. While glassing the hillsides some more, we spotted lots of deer. There was a forked horn deer not far from the road and Jason suggested I go after him. It meant walking the road for about ½ mile. Apparently, not 35 yards from the buck I was going after, I caught the attention of another buck in the trees that I didn‘t see. He had me pegged, but didn’t spook, just watched me. I turned the corner and as I looked up, the buck I was going after had heard me walking and was looking right at me. I stood still for a count of forty five seconds before he started feeding again. It was when he started feeding again that I realized I had two bucks at less than 45 yards from me. I took three steps forward and again I caught their attention. They moved up the hillside another 10 yards, but I was able to walk while they did and closed the distance to about thirty yards. One of the bucks gave up and took off, but the other continued to stay and watch me. He was standing broad side to me and I would have had a perfect shot at him, however, an Aspen Tree was covering up his vitals and I was scared that if I took a shot, I was just going to injure him. I took one small step forward and that did it for him. He and his buddy took off over the ridge and were gone. Jason drove the truck to pick me up and said that he was making a bunch of noise (using calls, starting the truck, etc) to try and distract them from looking at me, but they had no interest in him at all. We headed back down and Jason took the quad while I headed back to camp and cleaned up. I added water, did the dishes, emptied the grey water, sorted and bagged dirty laundry and swept under the rugs. About the time I was finishing with that, Jason showed back up. We had breakfast for lunch (biscuits and gravy, again) and then he read and took a nap while I showered, read, and took a nap. Jason had is watch alarm set for 2:45 p.m. and when it went off, he turned it off and rolled back over for about ten minutes. We both got up and hit the road about 3: 15 p.m. We were headed out to the highway, with plans to go hunt a different area and then go to town for gas, water, and to empty the trash. However, about a quarter mile from camp, Jason said that there was a buck less than 40 yards off the road. I climbed out of the truck and Jason took off. I started casually walking down the road while putting an arrow on my bow. I looked up and the buck was looking over his left shoulder at me. Then I spotted a doe who was also looking at me. Standing still yet again, I gave them time to decide what to do. The doe decided to move on, but didn’t run away. The buck bent down to feed. I took a few mores steps and got off the road and which point, the buck turned and looked at me over his right shoulder. I again stood very still while he decided what to do. After about thirty seconds, he turned broad side and bent down to feed again. I lifted my bow and drew back. When I was taking aim at him using my thirty yard pin, he looked at me. I released my arrow and hit the buck two inches up from a perfect shot. I think I could have passed out! I had hit a buck! I stood and watched him struggle for a minute, then I ran up the road, arms in the air, jumping up and down until I saw Jason. He sped backwards to me and was astonished when I said I got him. I shot him about 3:30 in the afternoon. Jason cleaned him off a little bit and positioned him so we could get some pictures. I then headed back up to the truck to put my stuff away while Jason field dressed the animal (removing all his innards). After taking a few more pictures, Jason, with a little assistance from me, dragged my buck up to the truck. We ran up the road to a place where I found a pocket of cell phone service so could call my father-in-law, my mother-in-law and my mother to tell them that I had harvested a buck. We then went back to camp, hung him and skinned him. Jason then spent about 1½ hours getting the hide ready to tan and I cooked dinner. Tacos, with beans and rice. Total deer count for the day was Jason-12, 4 of which were bucks and me 8, 2 of which were bucks.

Friday, September 28, 2007
I got a buck, so I earned the privilege of sleeping in. Jason, however, was still hunting so he left around 6 a.m. I spent the morning doing my puzzle book and listening to a book on tape (more on that later). He returned and had breakfast then took a nap. We left the trailer around 3 p.m. and drove all over the national forest. We never really saw anything that Jason wanted to go after. We ran into town (since we never made it there yesterday) and got the things we needed. We then hit the trailer for a dinner of BBQ Chicken, pasta and salad. Due to his morning run, Jason was way ahead on deer count. He saw 17 deer, 7 of those being bucks. I on the other hand saw 6 deer with one being a buck.

Saturday, September 29, 2007
After I fixed him a homemade egg mcmuffin and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for his hike, Jason took off from the trailer around 5:45 this morning. I read for about an hour, then fell back asleep for about an hour. After getting up and eating breakfast, I again set to work on my puzzle book and finished my book on tape. Jason returned to the trailer around noon and we sat here for about forty five minutes. By then all the snow had melted. We then took off to go find him a buck. I dropped him off at the top of Black Hall Mountain and two hours later picked up him up on the road. He saw a doe bedded down, but nothing else. We drove around, looking for deer for a couple of more hours. Unfortunately, we now have a few things working against us. For one, the weather has once again turned wet. We are experiencing a mix of snow and rain, with the clouds overcast. This often times means that the deer will not feed out in the open, choosing instead to stay in the timber. The other thing working against us is that rifle season opens on Monday (9/31) so the national forest if filling with rifle hunters galore. This will also push the deer further in the timber as they drive around, scouting and getting to know the area. We finished with day with spaghetti, salad and garlic bread. Deer count for the day- Jason, 7 with 1 buck, and I saw three deer, no bucks.

Sunday, September, 30, 2007
We went to sleep to the sound of a gentle rain, but woke up to a blanket of snow all over the ground and trees. Sunday brought another early wake up for Jason. I didn’t sleep much longer after he left which ended up a good thing since he was back before nine because of the snow. I had just given up and fixed myself a breakfast taco when he pulled up. So I fixed him breakfast and Jason went for ride on the four wheeler. After he returned we set to work on butchering my deer. Neither Jason nor I expected it to take as long as it did. At 4:00 p.m., Jason quit cutting and took off to go finishing hunting while I finished wrapping he rest of the meat. He saw some deer, but nothing he wanted to take. After Jason made another trip to town, we had venison tenderloin, fried potatoes, corn on the cob and salad. We both ate ourselves silly to say the least. By the time I had three bites of meat left, I was about to explode, but I refused to throw out any of my deer meat.

Monday, October, 1, 2007
Jason again took off pretty early to go hunting, but this time with his rifle, not his bow. He spent all day out and hiked something like 6 miles. I spent the day enjoying my last day at camp and began some packing. I had a fight with the tarp and the wind, but in the end, the tarp was dry and folded and I sat back down in the trailer. I had used different objects around campus to weight down the tarp and the wrap around for the pop up tent we use for our shower so the wind wouldn’t take off with them. One of the things I had used was a propane tank Jason had filled last night. Well, I set it back down where it was supposed to be and the next thing I knew it sounded like it was about to explode. Apparently, the man who had filled the tank did not properly tighten the bleeder valve (a valve they use to bleed the tank while filling it to prevent it from exploding) or it was loosened by vibration during the ride. Anyway, after I set the propane tank down, and the bleeder valve all the sudden lets loose. I freaked out! I immediately picked up the tank and moved it away from the trailer. Then I couldn’t figure out what to do. Finally, after a few minutes, I located my handy dandy screwdriver kit and got a flat head screw driver available to tighten the valve. In the process, I think we lost almost half a tank of propane. It was a little intense. Anyway, as I said, Jason spent all day out hunting. He pulled into camp around 7:00 p.m. with a small forked horn buck with eye guards. He decided to go ahead and take small because he didn’t want to waste the tag and wanted the meat. So we once again set to butchering and wrapping the meat. All day, it had been windy and cloudy, but never really rained at camp. It took us about three hours in the wind to butcher and wrap the deer meat. It then started sprinkling. Jason began packing up more of camp while trying to decide if we should go ahead and leave camp, fearing the rain would turn into snow, again and leave us snowed in. While he did that, I fixed him an omelet. He quickly ate his omelet then went back outside. It took about 35 seconds for him to decide we were leaving as soon as possible because snow started falling. An hour and a half and four inches later, we had camped quickly packed and hooked up to the trailer. We hoped into the truck and said a desperate prayer asking for safety and guidance as we attempted to get out. We were camped down in a little hollow, so Jason was going to have take his 2 wheel drive attached to a trailer up an incline before being able to drive up the hill to get out of camp. To put it gently, it did not go well. I jumped out of the truck to make sure Jason did not hit a tree, but could back up and get more of running start. He did, but turned left on the road we needed to go right on. This led us down to a dead end where Jason was able to turn around. This again gained us a running start since we were at the bottom of the hill. We were able to get past our road, but not by much. I again jumped out to assist him. However, the minute he released the brake, the trailer slid into the ditch making it impossible to move. Fortunately, at that time, Jason remembered that his father had given him a set of snow chains for his tires. He was able to get those on and they provided enough traction to get us out. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t smooth sailing by any stretch of the imagination. About every 45 seconds to a minute, I was petitioning the Lord for continued protection. And He was gracious and good to us and provided our passage to the wonderful, dry town of Encampment. What should have taken no more than 30 minutes, actually took an hour and twenty minutes. We filled with water again, found a place to park and crashed for the night.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007
After getting less than five hours of sleep, we again woke up, repacked and hit the road. It actually was smooth sailing from there to Amarillo, though it took 13 hours. We pulled in right on time at 10:00 p.m. even though we thought we would be late. We were glad to get home into our California King Bed (a great improvement from the bed in the trailer). All in all, it was a great and wonderful trip. God blessed us more wonderfully in our travels and our hunting.

Jason has loaded pictures onto a different computer, so I will post pictures later. This post was long enough anyway.

Gone again

2007-09-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

To camping, to camping to be with my man
Gone again, gone agian, jiggety jan
To mountains, To mountains to kill me a deer
Gone again, Gone again jiggety jeer
I'll miss you, I miss you, I miss you my friends
Gone again, Gone agian, jiggety jin

I will be back October 2nd. Hopefully, I will have make some sort of computer contact while I am gone, but I am not counting on it. However, I hope to have a great story about an amazing hunt and the BIG deer that I am going to kill and eat. Keep checkin' back.

9-11

2007-09-11T07:10:00.000-05:00

I was driving a fifteen passenger van down an OKC street listening to Glen Beck when the terrorist attack started. Living in OKC at the time made the event more scary because of the terrorist attack there. I will always remember that day as one of the scariest, strangest and most stressful days.

I also remember wathcing the CMT awards a few days later and weeping as Toby Keith sang "Where were you when the world stopped turning?"

As world looks back six years and the rememberances are held, I pray that God will grant the families of the fallen peace. I also pray that God will grant America victory in our mission of defending our country.

To those of you who have sons, daughters, husbands, wives, girlsfriends, boyfriends, aunts, unlces, grandparents, and friends who are serving our country in the marines, army, navy, coast guard, reserves, firemen, police, and other emergency workers, thank you and may God grant you His peace in knowing that your loved one is being prayed for.

My One Hundred

2007-08-22T15:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, here it is. My One Hundred. Dang, this was hard!

1. I was born in Laredo, Texas
2. I grew up in Austin, Texas
3. I was raised in the church of Christ
4. I was a HUGE tomboy for a L-O-N-G time.
5. I attended the same school 4th-12th grade.
6. I graduated 6th in my class. Cool, huh?
7. Should I mention that I graduated with 11 other people in my class.
8. There were 365 people in my school the year I graduated.
9. My nephew and niece are now going to that same school.
10. I was manager for the volleyball team in high school so that I could keep my grades high enough to play basketball.
11. Our PE teacher was my first crush
12. I played second clarinet in band from 7th-11th grade
13. My senior year I played 1st Bass Clarinet
14. My band director had to rewrite many parts for me to be able to play in the band that year.
15. Much to my English teacher’s dismay, I was on the newspaper staff at my high school.
16. I have been to 8 countries
17. I have been on three international mission trips
18. I love Austin, but don’t think I could live there again
19. I bleed burnt orange. Hook ‘em Horns!
20. I played organized kickball for 12 years
21. I was a Lady Longhorn Shorthorn.
22. I have a friend I have known since I was six. We still talk.
23. My handwriting is horrible.
24. I am a good typist.
25. I have lived in at least five different states.
26. I am very loyal to my home state-TEXAS!
27. I have family in Kentucky, Texas and California.
28. I married one of the most amazing men.
29. I turned him down for a date the first four months I knew him.
30. I dated him for four years before getting married.
31. I was married at the Ponderosa Ranch in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. (Yes where Bonanza was filmed)
32. I had a shot gun at my wedding
33. I had wedding bells at my wedding
34. My wedding started late because the wagon broke down and the gun fight took too long.
35. I was married nine months before “having” kids.
36. I have “had” somewhere around sixty kids.
37. My youngest kid is seven.
38. My oldest kid is now 21.
39. I currently live in a house of girls.
40. I have one dog named Sadie.
41. I had a beagle named Brooke, but he belongs to my father-in-law
42. I have good in-laws.
43. I love and miss all my nieces and nephews.
44. I love and miss my parents and sister.
45. In college, I worked for the men’s basketball team.
46. I have the best friends in the world
47. I miss my college friends.
48. I check my 6 email accounts at least three times a day.
49. I check my friend’s blogs at least once a day
50. I check my myspace at least twice a day.
51. I do psychotherapy transcription work during my “down” time.
52. I have an inborn love of basketball
53. I have an inborn desire to watch Kentucky Wildcat Basketball
54. I have an inherited fear of lawnmowers.
55. I tell my husband just about everything.
56. I like to read.
57. I like to do puzzle books.
58. I like to play board games.
59. I like to play computer games.
60. I own a Gameboy SP and a few games.
61. I only wear my wedding ring and a cross necklace on a regular basis.
62. Every now and again, I will were a different necklace, depending on my outfit.
63. I only wear make up when I feel like I am having a bad complexion day.
64. I am 5’4” tall.
65. I weight much more than I should.
66. I have met BB King.
67. I have played basketball on the San Antonio’s Spurs Court.
68. I shoot a BowTech Diamond Rapture light bow.
69. I will go hunting for the first time ever in September.
70. I have only ever known one of my grandparents.
71. I miss my Uncle Bill, sister-in-law Staci, Aunt Evelyn and Uncle Wilson, Shannon, Nathan and Grandma Mac.
72. I never knew my father growing up.
73. I am just now blessed to get to know my brother.
74. I have broken both of my arms, almost at the same place.
75. My first youth minister had the exact same name as my real dad.
76. I think chocolate is the best dessert in the world.
77. I like dark chocolate better than any other kind.
78. Giraffes are my favorite animals.
79. I will try just about any new mint or gum there is.
80. I like to fish alone, but prefer to fish with my husband.
81. My birthday is 3-24-76
82. I went snow skiing for the first time at 30 years old.
83. I can still do a cartwheel.
84. I like to play pool.
85. I enjoy bowling and I am good at it.
86. I can drive a stick shift vehicle.
87. I have gone white water rafting three times.
88. I really enjoy going to amusement parks
89. I fall asleep usually within in the first hour of a trip, as long as I am not driving.
90. I like to listen to country music.
91. I like to listen to Christian music.
92. I prefer to listen to talk radio.
93. My favorite color is hunter green.
94. I can grease hair for African American kids.
95. I have over 55 giraffes in my collection.
96. I very rarely leave Wal-Mart without spending $75.00
97. I love to cook.
98. I cannot cook for less than 8 people.
99. I could eat breakfast three times a day.
100. I don’t ever talk about myself this much and I don’t like this.

The flow of my life changes, again

2007-08-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

So, a few weeks ago, I posted "Leaving" aboout SM who had decided it was time for her to go. For three weeks or so, she held out hope that the move would supported by the department of child protective services. That hope died last week and for about a week, she was okay. She put her mask back on, attempted to be compliant and cheerful and get back into the structure and routine we provide. However, two days ago, I guess she decided enough was enough and she left. She took off while on an outing. Reportedly had one of her friends pick her up.

When this situation presented itself, Jason spent some time in prayer and he was granted a peace in it all-our relationship with her, her knowledge and faith in God, and her diabetes. He can honestly say he is not worried about any of it. I on the other hand cannot say that. After investing two years with her, the damage that she did to the relationship this past month or so and the damage she believes we did to her is painful. And she is not a good, healthy diabetic. I fear that she will end up in the hospital soon, which will cause more long term damage to her body. I am confident that she knows who God is, that she has been introduced to a Christian marriage and that she knows where to turn back to in her time of need. I just don't have the confidence she can or will fall back on this knowledge.

The Wife of a Christian Man

2007-08-09T09:56:00.001-05:00

I had the most peaceful thought at church last night and it took every ounce of my body not to sit down and cry once this thought over took me. We were standing, singing a song and I just glanced over at my husband and I was totally overcome with the knowledge that this experience, singing praises in the presence of the Ruler of Heaven and Earth with my husband, that is something that I will get to do for all eternity. What an amzing blessing and gift God has granted me! I will never understand how I am capable of having so much love for another person and how that loves grows deeper and deeper each moment I am with him. I am so grateful that God does not see fit to give me what I deserve and instead gives me what I need. What a gracious God I serve!

As I looked around the auditorium last night, my prayer changed from a prayer of praise and thanksgiving to a prayer of petition that those people within my eyesight be able to have the same confidence in their marriage, their spouse and our God that God has granted me. And that is my prayer for you as well.

May God open your eyes to the blessing He has generously poured out on you.